When Good Housewives Go Bad

“STRAIGHT D’S???”

Lois paces around the kitchen table, holding Chris’ most recent Report Card. By the tone of her voice, she doesn’t seem happy about it. Chris sits at the table with a solemn look on his face, knowing he hasn’t done any good.

“Chris, I am very disappointed in you.” She says. “What happened to your father? He was supposed to be tutoring you.”

“Well, every time we started, Dad said he had to go get some Tutoring Aids.” Chris tells her. At that moment, Peter bursts through the wall of the kitchen, covered in Red paint, shirtless, and drunk off his rocker.

“OH YEAH!!!” He yells, before falling down and shattering the kitchen table. Brian walks into the room and sees Peter lying face down on the ground, unconscious.

“Peter’s the stunt man for Kool-Aid’s TV Movie again?” He asks.

Later that night…

Peter, feeling sober, lies in his bed with Lois right beside her. Her mood has not improved since earlier today. “Peter, our son is failing High School. Don’t you care?”

“Well, of course I care, Lois.” Peter says.

“Then why haven’t you been tutoring him?” She asks.

“Aw Lois, you know how bad I get at History.” He says. “Ever since I had that bad breakup with Mr. Peabody.”

(Peter remembers back to when he was young. He’s sitting in an Interrogation Room dressed as Sherman, with Mr. Peabody sitting right beside him. Two police officers start to talk to him.

“Go on, son. Tell us what happened.” The police officer says.

“W-W-Well…he calls me Sherman, and then tells me to get into his closet. He calls it the ‘Way Back Machine’.” She says, starting to tear up.

“Quiet you!” Peabody says as he smacks Peter in the face.)

“Well, I can’t do it alone.” Lois says.

“Hey, why not get him one of those ‘Hooked on Phonics’ tapes?” Peter recommends.

“Yeah, that’s a great idea, Peter.” She says. “I’ll get right on it tomorrow. For now, let’s get some sleep.” She kisses Peter on the lips before reaching over to flip off the light switch. The room goes dark & silent. After a few moments, Lois breaks the silence. “Peter, what are you doing?”

“I’m trying to flip the friggin’ light switch back on.” He says.

“Peter…that’s my nipple.” She tells him.

“Oh.” There’s a long pause as Peter realizes what he’s been doing, followed by his trademark giggle, as it sounds like he’s gone back to doing it.

The Next Day…

Lois is in the kitchen finishing up on the dishes in the sink. She dries the last of them and turns around, only for her leg to be snared by a rope on the ground. The rope lifts her up and turns her upside down, hanging in the air. Lois, thinking quickly, reaches up and grabs the rope. She uses her fingernails to cut herself loose, then flips back to the ground as gently as an acrobat. She turns and sees Meg standing in the doorway, witnessing the whole thing.

“Wow, Mom!” Meg says. “Where did you learn to do that?”

“Well, before you were born, your mother use to be a Back-up Dancer for Madonna.” Lois says.

(Lois remembers back to when she was young. She’s sitting around in a circle with the rest of Madonna’s Back-up Dancers, and Madonna herself.

“OK, Lois…Truth or Dare?” Madonna asks.

“Dare!” Lois says.

“I dare you…to have sex with Vanilla Ice!” Madonna says giggling.

Lois begins to sigh. “Again? Alright, come on Vanilla.” She exits the circle and grabs Vanilla Ice, who was sitting in a chair, by the hand and drags him into the bedroom.)

“Oh yeah, Mom. This came for you today.” Meg says as she hands her a small package.

“Oh, it’s arrived.” Lois says. “Finally, your brother can have some good tutoring to help him with his grades.”

Just then, Stewie walks into the room carrying a baseball bat and wearing a blindfold. “OK, who’s ready for some Dead Lois Piñata?” He stops and lifts up his blindfold to see that Lois has gotten out of the trap he’s set for her. He smiles innocently and slowly begins to back away. “Well, time for me to be hitting the old dusty trail…” He turns and runs out of the kitchen, just as Chris walks in through the back door.

“Good, you’re home Chris.” Lois says turning to him. “I’ve got your Hooked on Phonics tape to help you with your studies. Come on, we can watch it up in your room.”

“That’s good.” Chris says. “Because the Evil Monkey that lives in my closet just went on vacation. And I been kinda lonely.” Lois leads Chris out of the kitchen and up the stairs. They walk into his room and sit down on his bed, as Lois puts the tape into his machine. She presses play, and a moment later a rather nerdy looking woman appears on the screen.

“Hello, I’m here to teach your children how to become better students in school.” She says. “Parents, this is the part of the tape where I want to establish a personal connection with the student. So if you would, please leave the room.”

Lois gets up and kisses Chris on the forehead. “I gotta go get dinner ready anyway.” She says. “Happy learning, my little man.” She leaves out of his room and shuts the door behind her. After a moment, the woman on the tape begins to speak.

“Are they gone?” She asks.