Was it Rape?

So I failed my exam. AGAIN. I saw the results list and even though I sort of knew I had failed, the confirmation of it was really painful. My best friend, Rose, was out of town for work so she tried the best she could to keep my spirits up via text, but I cried myself to sleep anyway. Her husband, Frank, who was still in town, texted me too and let me know that if I needed to just hang or drown my sorrow or whatever, he was there for me.

My history with Frank…we hadn’t seen each other much for about four months before this all happened. That’s when Rose caught him cheating on her. They took a couple of months apart and then she moved back in with him and I had avoided him. We had been friends before that; we’d hung out when Rose was out of town, like buds. I don’t trust many people easily, so it meant a lot when he cheated on her. I felt like he betrayed our friendship too. So this was going to be the first time since “the incident” that we were seeing each other on our own without Rose as a buffer.

We went out kind of early for a Friday. We went bowling and had burgers at the bowling alley. It was a pretty fancy place for a bowling alley, with a club and a bar attached, and it was expensive. I felt bad asking to play another game, so we left and sat outside for a bit. He was staring at his phone the whole time so I thought, “yeah he’s not comfortable around me anymore either” and I felt bad, but I was still pissed at him on some level so I said I should just go home. He said no and we walked to a nearby bar.

We drank a lot. I was trying to pace myself with non-alcoholic drinks in between the other drinks, but then he ordered me a shot, and then I ordered really expensive whiskey and we started having very explicit discussions about his sex life with Rose. Before the incident, they were not having sex, like at all. Rose had been very, very upset about that. For months. Now, they were swingers. I still think that makes no sense, that she never was a swinger or had had a threesome before but after her husband cheats on her, she starts having threesomes and swapping partners like it’s nothing…I digress. So there was a guy, Roger, that had been…guesting, I guess you’d call it. Frank told me he’d gone down on Roger and asked me if I thought that made him gay. I was drunk, so I can’t remember what I told him. Probably something like it doesn’t matter what I think.

I know I told him about some guy, maybe the guy I was with at the time, I don’t know, but I felt like I had to not be boring and prudish and prove I had a sex life too. He told me that it made him hard to hear about that story. He showed me a picture he had on his phone of Rose getting fucked by Roger. I know I tried a few times to get the conversation off sex, but I was so drunk I can’t really remember what I said.
At some point he or we decided it was time to leave. I went outside to bum a smoke from the people on the patio. Frank settled the bill and followed me outside. He took the cigarette away from me and took a drag then tried to kiss me on the mouth. I pulled away and pushed him, laughing and telling him he was being a drunken idiot. It never occurred to me at all that he could be seriously trying to kiss me.
Well then he said he was trying to let me inhale the smoke from him. So I did that a couple of times with him still thinking that was ok because although our moths were touching, it wasn’t a kiss. Then he started kissing me and I…I don’t know I was nervous and kind of excited and very drunk. I let him kiss me a bit and then I kissed him back a bit and I kept thinking the whole time that it was just stupid, drunken, innocent fun. Innocent!

We had to walk a few blocks to get to a place where we could catch a cab. I was feeling drunk and happy and having fun kissing here and there. I remember he said something to me like “you’re so cool because you know this doesn’t mean anything.” I just laughed and pushed him away and told him he was stupid about half the times he went in for a kiss, but when I did let him kiss me, I did kiss him back.