The Good, The Bad and the Molly – Chapter Ten

Molly and I didn’t say much more to each other that night. The next day, I think both of us wanted to talk to each other, yet we both somehow knew we shouldn’t have. Both of us felt this invisible barrier between us, begging us to not talk to each other. And so, the full day went by without either of us ever even being in the same room, let alone striking up a conversation. The day after, the barrier was gone and it became clear that one of us had to start a conversation with the other person, and of course that one was going to be me.

It was late, after classes, at a point when both of us were home. I waited about an hour or so – I don’t know what for, it just felt like waiting was somehow tasteful. When I decided it was the right time, I marched up to her room and knocked tenderly on the door.

I heard some shuffling and then heard Molly clear her throat. “Come in.” she called out articulately.

I opened the door and walked in. At her desk sat Molly, head slightly lowered, looking off towards the floor.

“Hey.” I started awkwardly. “I think we should probably talk about what happened two nights ago.”

Molly sighed and closed her eyes. “Yeah.” she replied. “Can we do it later?”

“I think we should do it now.” I replied, still unsure of how much I needed to let Molly have her way these days. To my relief, she sighed and nodded, gesturing towards the bed. I took the hint and sat down.

“So… we need to talk about what happened.” I started uneasily.

“What do we even need to say?” Molly replied, a little sarcastic and a little confused.

I furrowed my brow at her weird lack of taking this seriously. “Molly, with our history, what happened shouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s been a year.” she defended herself, noticeably getting less articulate.

“You’re not the type to turn on a dime like that. Just because you had a bad breakup, that shouldn’t mean… like, no offense, but all this happened way too quickly.” Molly didn’t respond, and just let her head hang. Something clicked with me. “Are you drunk?

“No!” Molly replied violently.

I stared into her eyes. They weren’t open all the way, and she had difficulty keeping her head still. I leaned in closer and sniffed. “Molly.” I said disapprovingly.

“Fuck off.” she replied defensively. “I get to run my life however I want.”

I opened my mouth to say something, something in rebuttal, then realized that it would get me nowhere. Hell, it would have gotten me nowhere with Sober Molly, let alone Drunk Molly. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

Molly didn’t say anything, but just leaned back in her chair.

I had to process what was happening. Okay. So Molly wasn’t just drinking at parties, she was also just getting drunk at home. Clearly not for the first time, that would be too convenient. Which meant… “Were you drunk two days ago when we had sex too?” I would have thought I’d noticed, but me being me, there was the possibility I’d missed it.

“Nah, just tipsy.” Molly replied. “I try not to get drunk in front of other people.”

“I see.” I nodded. “Is that why…?”

I hoped that by trailing off Molly would have finished my sentence for me, but she just stared at me. I sighed. “Was that why we had sex? Because you were tipsy?”

Molly gave me a smile that revealed she was more drunk than she was letting on. “Someday I’ll talk about it.” she told me. “But not now. I just needed that… I needed intimacy. Life wasn’t… life isn’t going so well, and you were there, and I knew you wanted me. You were… is it offensive to say you were ‘easy to access’?”

I laughed at how bold this Molly was. “Probably, but I can take it. You’ve earned the right anyway.” I paused. “So this was spur of the moment?”

Molly grinned with her drunk style again. “Aaron, you’re making me give away all of my tricks.” she replied playfully. “No, I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Carson and I were clearly gonna end sooner or later, and I needed… something. I just couldn’t bring it up with you in case you took advantage of me before I was sure.”

Instead of you taking advantage of me and my feelings, which is what happened, I thought to myself bitterly, but the thought vanished in a flash. “Well, was it what you wanted?”

“Yesssss.” Molly nodded, the smile still there on her face.

Idiotically, I pressed on. “And do you want to continue?”

Molly shrugged, her head ragdolling to face the floor. “I mean, yeah, if you do. Not right now though.”

“I would not want to right now anyways.” I honestly told her. “This is a lot to take in.”

Molly didn’t respond coherently, she just chuckled to herself. “I think it’s hitting me harder now.” she eventually mumbled. “I think I should be alone. Are you good?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” I replied, the situation honestly scaring me a little. I got up from the bed and walked over to the door. “Goodnight.” I replied, waiting a little too long for a reply before shutting the door behind me.

As soon as the door was shut, I violently threw my head against the wall and kept it there. Normally I’d overthink about shit like this, but I just thought… nothing. The only mind that came to my mind was “fuck.” Every so often, I’d picture Molly, alone in her room, with something I knew was bad for her, but to think about intervening was going against what she asked, and thinking about how bad this could be for her would have been hypocritical anyways. For now, I just had to take life as it came, and be there for her, on her terms. It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair to me either, but after everything that happened, it’s what had to happen.



***



I was nervous to have dinner with the Sharptons again. After reconnecting with Molly, I knew it was going to happen at one time or another, but they’d ask about why I’d been away for a year. I knew the truth wouldn’t come out, but another thing that worried me was Molly’s eagerness to lie and make things seem more okay than they were. A lie that causes a smile is better than a truth that causes a tear, I suppose.

“He’s just been too busy with schoolwork and stuff.” she had said with a simple shrug, then an equally simple smile at me.

That was the first time Daisy looked up at me. She knew the whole thing was a lie, but I guess she wasn’t expecting it to come from Molly’s mouth.

“I had to practically beg him to come over as it was.” she continued with a small laugh. At this, Daisy lowered an eyebrow at me.

At this point, I decided to risk everything. Praying that Molly’s parents couldn’t see us or at the very least couldn’t read lips, I mouthed something to Daisy. She knows.

Daisy seemed to understand, raising both eyebrows and being slightly taken aback at my admission. She mouthed back in turn, Basement, after supper. I simply nodded, and the meal went on like it was nothing.

“Too busy for us?” Mr. Sharpton playfully asked. “Too busy to even give us a visit?”

“Hey, if I could have changed things, I would’ve.” I replied with a small fake laugh, trying my best to ignore any looks from either Daisy or Molly given the dramatic irony of such a comment.

It was actually pretty nice to reconnect with her parents. Because things were… weird, to say the least, with Molly and I now, I didn’t feel the burning guilt I expected to feel around them. After all, Aaron did those things to her, but was I that Aaron? Should I have carried this shame all my life for what I did even if I knew I would never do it again? I was going to feel guilty for what I had done, absolutely, but should I have felt like I could never look her in the eyes? If I could at some point, then when? When she said it was okay to? If she never did, could I ever?

Overthinking. My strong suit. I was trying to practice mindfulness, and realized that no matter what I felt, this situation wasn’t hard for me. I was the one that did the bad thing. This situation was hard for Molly. She had a bad thing happen to her. Even though we had sex a couple more times before I saw her parents, it was clear that occasionally she’d remember the feeling of violation and freeze or ask me to stop or something. I complied, but I knew that I still caused it. I’d have to deal with that for as long as it would happen, and accommodate her well. It was the least I could do. It made things weird for me, but weird was better than…

Than, ‘traumatized.’

I shook my head, trying not to make it too obvious, then continued on with the meal. Afterwards, I was all too happy to help with the dishes when I saw Daisy gunning it for the basement out of the corner of my eye.

“Some things never change.” I lightly joked to Molly, who gave a half-smile.

“Yeah.” she softly replied, looking down towards the basement. “I wish she’d act a little more mature though. She’s thirteen, aren’t kids supposed to grow out of habits like that?” She took a dish I handed to her and put it away.

I shrugged. “Maybe it’s me.”

“How so?” Molly asked me.

“She hasn’t seen me in a year or so, maybe she got shy around me an-” I cut myself off as I realized the implications of what I was saying.

Molly was the first to speak after a long pause. “Yeah, she did seem really angry at you last time. I forgot all about that.”

“Yup.” I replied. “And she told you to stay away from me. Maybe she’s smarter than we thought.”

Molly gave me a sarcastic smile. At this point, we had moved on to the slightly awkward stage of joking about that part of our past from time to time, as long as the mood was light enough. “She told me to stay away from who you used to be.” Molly replied softly.

“It isn’t a necessary part of healing to forgive your abusers, you know.” I replied meaningfully. “I wouldn’t blame you if you never talked to me again.”

“Oh, shut up.” Molly replied half-playfully. “I’m going to forgive anyone for anything anyways. If you want to feel like a bad guy, go ahead, but I’m just glad that… I’m just…” She sighed and placed the dish she was working on down so she could look at me. “This stuff is behind us. Okay? I’m willing to take another chance on you being a good person. It’s probably dumb, but I’m a big stupid anyways.”

“You’re not a big stupid.” I replied, picking up the dish she was working on.

“Yes I am.” she told me, taking the dish back. “You want to talk to Daisy? Maybe forgiveness runs in the family.”

“Daisy doesn’t even know what I did to you.” I pointed out.

“Then don’t tell her. And quit bringing it up so much around me while you’re at it, you’re only making things worse for yourself. You’re not exactly telling me anything new when you remind me, it just brings up bad memories. Let’s just… be.” She smiled.

I smiled back, then gazed over to the basement. “Fine. Don’t expect me to be there for long though.”

“You never are, it’s fine.” Molly replied, putting a dish away. I said nothing more to her as I descended down the steps, preparing myself for a possibly more heated but definitely more awkward encounter with daisy than usual. As soon as I got downstairs, I was greeted with Daisy, leaning against the wall, arms folded, looking at me seriously.

“So.” she began.

“So.” I echoed, freezing in place.

“You told her.”

“Yeah, everything.” I replied. I remembered what Molly told me at the party and realized I had to continue. “A housemate caught me in the act. He made me tell her.”

“And she just forgave you?” She snapped her fingers in derision. “Just like that?”

“Yeah, and that’s why I’ve been coming over every two weeks for the past year.” I replied, finding the strength again to finish walking down the stairs. “No, she didn’t fucking forgive me. Things were bad between us. I had to learn a lot of hard lessons.”

“And how can I be sure you’ve learned them?” Daisy asked me, getting up from the wall.

“You can’t.” I chuckled, looking into her eyes. “I don’t even get how or why Molly forgave me some days, but she did.”

Daisy nodded, never breaking eye contact. Never even blinking. In every way other than appearance, she was anything but the seemingly dainty, almost fragile thirteen-year-old she was.