The Beverly Hillbillies_(0)

I am self-employed as a business marketing analyst. My job is stressful and usually very busy. As my own boss though, I take off time whenever I want to.

This particular day I have taken off to go fishing. I’ve gone to a stream, I know of, in the Santa Monica Mountains. It is a beautiful summer day of 1965 in Southern California; and I’ve found a nice shady spot along the stream.

Later that morning I spot an older man walking upstream with a fishing pole. He is tall and slender but looks to be a transient. He has a week-old beard and he’s got on old shabby clothes and floppy hat. He wears a collarless white shirt and clodhopper boots.

As he gets closer to my fishing spot, he calls out, “Howdy there, young fella. How’s the fishing?”

I look towards him saying, “Fair to middlin’. You’re welcome to sit and fish here, if you’d like.”

The old man sits down nearby and lowers his cane pole and string line into the water.

“That’s mighty kind of ya. I’m Jed Clampett,” he says, as he extends his handshake. I oblige by shaking his hand,

“You can call me Mike,” I say.

“It’s a real pleasure to meet ya Mr. Mike,” Jed replies with a smile.

Over the next few hours, this old dude tells me some of the most outlandish stories I have ever heard. I think perhaps that he’s been drinking too much moonshine.

He tells me about being dirt poor, living in the hills of Tennessee, and striking oil one day while out hunting on his property. He goes on to tell me that he now lives in a mansion in Beverly Hills and has over 60 million dollars in the bank.

I try to keep from laughing at him and just go along with it.

He even shows me a picture of his family taken in front of his mansion. The photo shows him with three other people, dressed similar in hillbilly style clothing.

He points out his mother-in-law, Granny, a frail looking old woman in a floor length pattern dress. He shows me his daughter, Elly May, a beautiful young woman, who has a thin waist but her dress covers her legs to below the knees and her dress is too puffed out to see the rest of her figure. Jed also points out his cousin Pearl’s son, Jethro, a big tall, goofus looking young man.

Jed starts telling me all about his family and how tough it has been trying to raise them up in the ‘big city’. He tells me how hard it has been for his daughter, Elly, to find a ‘beau to court her’.

He says that she just turned 17 and how Granny says that she will be an old maid if she isn’t ‘hitched’ by 18 years of age.

I just keep going along with his crazy stories and nod my head.

Jed says that Elly May just likes to play with her critters and to ‘shinny up’ trees, go stump jumping and just to get herself dirty playing outside. He says that she acts like a tomboy all the time.

He says that he would do anything to get her to learn to be a lady. He thinks that Granny is too old fashioned to teach Elly May the new ways of living as a lady in Beverly Hills.

I just can’t help myself with all this insanity so I decide to make up a few stories of my own.

I tell Jed, “You know that’s a shame. Such a beautiful young woman should attend a proper girl’s finishing school. I used to tutor at one before I started my own business. I’ve tutored many young women to be proper ladies.”

Jed says, “Well, my Elly May don’t take too kindly to them schools. She tried some but didn’t get along with the other girls. They laugh and kinda poked fun at her.”

“That’s a shame too,” I replied. “Young girls can be so cruel sometimes. Your daughter would probably benefit from private tutoring.”

Jed puts down his fishing pole and says, “By doggies, I think ya got somethin’ there. Elly just needs more up close learnin’. So how abouts ya’ll teach her? I’ll pay ya very handsome, for your work.”

This just seems to be getting funnier, so I say, “Well, I have my own different kind of business now and I am very busy. I would oblige you but the price would have to be pretty high, for all the extra work.”

Jed immediately says, “How does a million dollars sound to ya? Seeing my Elly May become a lady is worth a million dollars to me.”

This is going too far and the day is getting late.

“Listen,” I say, “I would be happy to do it for a million. Here is my business card. Send me a check for $500,000 and we can get started. Once the check has cleared, I will contact you with the details. So be sure and send me your address and telephone number also.” I pick up my gear and begin to hike out to my car.

A couple days go by and I get some mail, from a J. D. Clampett of Beverly Hills.

Inside the envelope is a check for $500,000 from the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills, an address and a telephone number. I call the bank and they say the check is good, so I deposit it to my account.

Five days later the check clears and my mind begins to realize that the crazy stories are real. I’ve stumbled on the opportunity of a lifetime.

I call the phone number and a voice says, “Jed Clampett speaking.”

I identify myself and he says, “Oh howdy, Mr. Mike, we’ve been waitin’ for ya to call. Did ya get the check I sent ya?”

I tell him that I did and that we can now work out the details.

“Mr. Clampett,” I say, “this tutoring for Elly May will require that she stay with me for at least a month. It all depends on how quickly your daughter finishes her studies. Her tutoring could take as long as three months. I have plenty of room at my house and Elly May will have her own bedroom and bathroom.”

Jed says, “That sounds mighty fine to me. When kin I bring her over?”

I tell him, “Let’s make it two weeks from today. I can see, from the photo you showed me, that Elly May needs to learn to wear more lady-like clothes. Here is the address of a good clothing store near you. Please have Elly May go there to be measured for a fitting and I will instruct them about the clothes to make for her and where to ship them. You, of course, will have to pay the bill for the new clothes.”

Jed agrees and we set the date and time for him to bring Elly May to my home.

Two weeks later, right on time, my doorbell rings. I answer the door to see Jed Clampett standing there, still dressed in the same old shabby clothes.

“Howdy, Mr. Mike, we’re here just like ya said,” Jed smiles.

“Welcome,” I reply. “Please come in.” Jed walks in with an old suitcase and sets it down.

“Elly May, get in here girl.” he says, “Don’t be standing outside gawking.”

Through the door walks a beautiful young woman with long blonde curly hair. She has her hair in long curly pigtails. She has a bubbly face with rosy cheeks and a full mouth with pink lips.

She fits the information that I received from the tailor. She’s a little thing, standing 5’-2” tall and weighs only 100 pounds.

Her measurements are supposed to be 37-23-36 but it is very difficult to see anything but her trim waist; with the plain pattern dress that she is wearing.

She stands there twisting one foot into the floor with a shy, sheepish grin on her face; and looking her eyes downward.

“Stand up straight Elly May,” says Jed, “and say howdy to Mr. Mike.”

She looks up with big blue doe eyes, “Well howdy, Mr. Mike, it’s a pleasure to meet ya’ll,” she sweetly says.

“It is my pleasure to meet you, Miss Clampett. Please feel welcome in my home,” I tell her. Elly May beams back at me with a wide smile.

Mr. Clampett speaks up as he turns towards the door, “Well, I best leave ya alone to do your job, Mr. Mike. Now, Elly May, I want ya to promise me to do everything that Mr. Mike tells ya to do and make me proud of ya, girl.”

She answers, “I will Pa. I’ll make ya proud.”

With that, I tell Jed that I will contact him in 30 days to give him a progress report.

Jed says his good-byes and gets into the old flatbed truck, for Jethro to drive them both home.

“Please come and sit down, Miss Clampett,” I say. “Let’s talk about why you want to become a lady.”

She sits down in a chair, as I continue standing.

“So why are you so anxious to become a lady?” I ask.

Elly May answers, “Cuz my Pa says that I needs to be tawt to be a lady before I kin catch me a beau and git hitched proper.”

Questioning her further, “So all that you want in your future is to find a man and get married? You have no other plans, like higher education or having a profession to work in?”

Elly says, “Yes sir, I only want to have a husband to love and take care of him. I’ve ain’t had much schooling and I don’t want no job, besides being a good wife.”

“Well, that’s just fine,” I continue, “you seem to know exactly what you want and that is what I will tutor you about. You may call me Mr. Mike from now on. May I call you Elly May or Elly? You know, instead of calling you Miss Clampett all the time.”

She says, “Heck, that’s just fine and dandy with me, Mr. Mike.”

“Alright then, Elly May, let me ask you a question. Are you a ‘God fearing’ woman? Do you read the ‘good book’ at home?”

She immediately perks up, “Oh yes sir, I don’t read right proper but Granny has tawt the ‘good book’ to me all my life.”

“Good, the reason I ask is because you say that you want a husband to love. Do you know that the ‘good book’ says, ‘Wives, submit yourself unto your own husbands.’ Do you know what this means?”

Elly May looks puzzled, “I cain’t say that I do. Granny never read me that part.”

“That means that a wife is to submit herself to her husband in all things.” I continue, “That means that her husband is her master. That means that a wife must do everything her husband asks her to do. Do you believe in these things?”

She nods her head, “If that’s what the ‘good book’ says then that’s what I’ll do with my husband. Granny says that the ‘good book’ only speaks the gospel truth and ya should live your life by what it tells ya to do.”

“Good enough, then this is the way it will be. While you stay here, you will respect me as the man and master of this house, just as you would your husband. You will be the mistress of this house. Your duties are to clean, cook and keep good order in this house. It will be your responsibility to follow all my instructions and to do everything you can, to make sure that I am happy.”

“I want you to take care of everything that this house or I require. I will be busy daily doing my own work. This will help you learn the duties of a wife. Now, do you understand that your Pa and I have discussed these things already? He seems to have great deal of confidence in you. Do you think that you can live here and treat me as your husband?”

Elly looks at me shyly, “I told my Pa that I’d make him proud. I’ll do everything ya tell me to do. I kin learn to be a good wife and take care of a husband. I kin do anything if’n I set my mind to it.”

“Perfect then,” I say, “we can begin right away. Now, the first thing you must know that I expect loyalty and obedience from you. Talking back to me or not following my instructions will mean that I will have to punish you for your actions. Do you understand?”

Elly May again nods, “Yes sir, I understand. I promise not to be any trouble to ya.” I tell her to stand up.

“Now the next thing you need to do is change the kind of clothes you wear. I’m sure your Granny has done a fine job raising you and making clothes for you, up until now. If you want to become a young lady, then you are going to have to change the bait.”

Elly looks confused and asks, “What do ya mean, change the bait?”

“The clothes you are wearing are for young girls, not young women”, I tell her. “I can’t see anything but the bottom of your legs. Your dress shows your waist but the top of your dress goes to your neck and is very loose fitting. Your dress has puffy shoulders and long sleeves to your elbows. If you’re going to catch a man then you are going to have to wear clothes that attract a man. You’re going to have to show off your figure.”

“Now you won’t be using the clothes in the suitcase that you brought. I have had new clothes made for you to wear while you are here. We will have your Pa buy other clothes for you to start wearing when you finish here. I am going to show you how to dress and bring more attention to your legs and hips, your rear end and your breasts.”

Elly May blushes red and giggles nervously, “Granny says that a girl should always cover up around men folk.”

“That’s the problem right there,” I correct her. “You are not a little girl anymore. You are a young woman. Now it is my job to show you how to dress so you can attract men. I’m sure that your Granny is a wonderful woman and did her best to show you how to dress this far in your life; but now it’s my job.”

“Your Granny did, however, send me a tonic she conjured up for you. She says that it will give you extra energy while learning to do all your house chores and the cooking and cleaning. She says that you should drink a glass of her tonic every day.”

“My Granny’s tonics always work,” Elly replies. “I should probably start taking it right now. Where is Granny’s tonic?”

I tell Elly May to wait, as I go to the kitchen. I had previously disposed of the liquid that Granny had sent over, so I pour some grape juice into a glass and add a very strong aphrodisiac.