She is the One (Part 12)

Oh no…

My breath stopped. My chest constricted in shock and terror. My lungs fought desperately against the mounting pressure as I wavered and stuck a hand out to balance myself. I felt like I was going to collapse.

Oh no…

“AND HE’S YOUR BROTHER! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

My first thought was to run, to grab Kayla and run back to her house and wait out the storm. I could tell her that it was family stuff and that we shouldn’t get involved, that it didn’t concern us and we should let it blow over first…No, I couldn’t. They were my siblings. I couldn’t just leave them twisting.

Besides, this was partially my fault. I let them be intimate whenever they were alone. I let them lower their defenses.

But…damn it, guys, why couldn’t you have been more careful?

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TWO!”

Kayla clutched my arm as the structure of the house seemed to shake from the force of dad’s voice. Great, now she was going to find out too. And I had told her there was nothing else she needed to know…

My breathing was shallow and I felt like I was going to puke with each breath. I just couldn’t will my legs to move, terror rooting me in place. I had to get up those stairs but what I would find up there…I still remember that feeling…like I would find my death at the top of those steps. That nothing but fire and fury waited for me at the top to consume me if I came anywhere close.

“WELL?! SAY SOMETHING!”

Alan and Amanda were in trouble. I had to help.

I had to.

My legs broke through the ice block of my fear and I raced up the stairs, Kayla close on my heels. I didn’t exactly want her finding out this way (though I wasn’t exactly sure how I did want her finding out, if at all) but it wasn’t like I had much of a choice now. And she was hardly the biggest of my problems now.

Every clomp of my shoes on the steps was like a death toll, bringing me one step closer to the greatest trouble I would ever have been in. I knew I had to do this but I’ll be damned if I didn’t think I would die of a heart attack along the way. My heart was beating so fast that I felt the metallic taste of blood filling my mouth.

Alan and Amanda’s door was open and the angry roaring was coming from there. Feeling like I was about to face an explosion head-on, I walked in.

Alan was pressing himself against the closet door, desperately trying to cover himself with his boxers and his eyes wide with terror. His other hand was lightly clawing at the wall, as if hoping he could somehow escape into it. Amanda was nothing more than a lump in the blankets and a pair of horrified eyes peeking out. It was like stepping into a horror movie right as the killer bursts through the door where the two young deadmeats have been having sex. Actually…that’s exactly what happened, sans the killer part.

Mom and dad stood like two mountains of rage. Fury pulsated from them like malevolent wavelengths that made my stomach churn and my limbs quiver. I couldn’t even see their faces and I already knew I would see my parents, two of the people I loved most in the world, transformed by their fury into something terrifyingly unrecognizable. The thought of their faces staring at me with the same anger that was now directed at the twins was almost enough to make me want to bolt.

Almost.

Alan and Amanda’s eyes found mine and the same expression appeared on their faces. It was a look that screamed, “Help us!”

I couldn’t abandon them.

Dad was inhaling, his body swelling as he prepared to yell again. “Dad,” I said firmly.

He whirled around. “WHAT?!” he roared. His fury abated slightly upon seeing Kayla and I, but in that brief moment before he realized who I was I caught a glimpse of his true fury. Dad was a casually handsome man, his trademark grin giving him a look of boyish roguery, but there was no semblance of that charm now. His face was set like granite, his eyes alight with hellfire and his teeth gritted so tightly I could practically see sparks flying from them. The furious shape of his mouth had tugged on his cheeks so that they stretch in what might have been a comical fashion if not for everything else.

It was only a moment that his face was like this but it’s an image I will never forget.

“Jack,” dad said, panting a little, “Kayla…please give us some time…” He was trying to control himself and somehow his level tone was making the whole situation scarier than it already was.

“No, dad.”

“Jack,” mom said, her voice so hard that hearing it was like getting punched in the ear, “Please leave.” Mom wasn’t the type to have her face twisted by anger; instead, she became eerily stoic and you were always terrified she was suddenly going to hit you. She never did but she had a way of convincing you that she might.

“I’m staying,” I said firmly. It’s a good thing my voice was steady because I could feel my legs shaking in my jeans, and not just because I was still wet from the Jacuzzi.

“Jack,” dad snapped, “This—”

“I know all about it.” I honestly think, though I needed to call upon my courage a lot before then and a lot of time after, that I never displayed more bravery than at that point. If I didn’t say something now, we would pass the point where I could do anything.

Kayla had been gripping my arm and her hands suddenly tightened in shock. Mom and dad’s face went white and their mouths hung open, words completely failing them. Alan had slid on his boxers and both he and Amanda were looking at me in shock. I don’t know what else they expected me to do. It had to happen.

“You…know about…” Dad couldn’t even bring himself to finish the sentence.

I held myself firm. “Yes,” I said, “I’ve known for a while now. So if you want to get mad at someone, get mad at me. You made me head of the house. I let them do it because it’s what they wanted to do. They love each other.”

“THEY’RE BROTHER AND SISTER!” dad roared, this tie really causing the room to shake, “THEY CAN’T DO THINGS LIKE THIS!”

“How could you, Jack?” mom said in a deathly whisper, “How could you?”

“How could I what?” I fired back, “What is wrong with this?” Good God, I’m actually about to defend incest.

“What is wrong with it?” mom sputtered, “What is wrong with…a brother and sister…”

“Yes,” I said solidly, aware that Kayla’s hands were slipping from my arm. I’m sorry, Kayla. “What is wrong with it? What’s wrong with it besides the fact that they’re related?”

Dad was gesturing between the two of them, barely able to form words. “They…are…they…” He rounded on me in fury. “How dare you let this happen in our house?! We trusted you, Jack!”

“And it was happening before I was put in charge!” I shouted, “So what does that say about you guys?”

Both of them were quivering in fury. “Jack…” Dad was about to explode. Whether literally or figuratively, I didn’t know.

What I did know was that I had to start speaking or I was in serious danger of being punched in the face. I took a deep breath. What I said next was not anything I had planned to say ahead of time (frankly, I hadn’t planned for this at all) but, somehow, I was able to make it flow;

“Seriously, guys, what’s wrong with this? Where does it say that brothers and sisters can’t be lovers? People have been doing it for centuries and I don’t see anything being worse because of it. I mean…okay, what’s the big hang-up? Morals or something? It’s immoral? Says who? The Bible has a ton of incest in it! And where exactly do people get the idea that we always have to do it with people outside the family? When did this moral outrage start? It wasn’t so long ago that it was considered ‘immoral’ for black people to vote. It wasn’t that long ago it was considered ‘immoral’ for women to have jobs outside the home.”

“This is different—” dad started hotly but I cut him off.

“No, it isn’t! This is just as important! I’m not saying everyone should go out and fuck their sibling but what’s wrong with it in this case? You love them. They love you. And they love each other, just as more than a brother and sister. What’s wrong with that? No, really, what’s wrong with that? Wouldn’t you rather have your child with someone who cares about them? Dad, seriously, wouldn’t you rather Amanda’s first time be with someone who actually gives a shit about her rather than some high school douchebag just looking to put another notch in his bedpost?”

“JACK, THAT’S NOT—”

“IT IS,” I roared, making everyone jump, “It’s important! It’s the whole point! I was freaked out when I first saw it but you know what? It wasn’t any of my business! It didn’t affect me and it sure as heck doesn’t affect you any more than you want it to! Like…okay, what does this mean? They’re having sex? Having sex just for fun? Well, does that affect you any more than me having sex with K…than if me and Kayla were having sex?” My parents probably knew but probably best not to out Kayla right now. “It’s not any more of our business than if two gay people have sex. Really, it’s not. I mean, shouldn’t you be happy that they found someone that they love? That they found someone they love as much as I love Kayla?” I meant that but part of me kind of hoped saying it would make Kayla less mad at me.

“If we let them—” mom started but again, I interrupted.

“Then what happens? They have sex. That’s it. It’s not going to bring the world crashing down on us. No police are going to come and the only thing that could go wrong is if intolerant fucktards find out and try to make it their business but who’s going to tell them? Are you? Am I? Are they?” I was basically babbling at this point but I had the sense that the longer I talked, the calmer my parents were getting. “I know…trust me, I know it’s weird and you don’t have to like it…but what is the harm? Who is hurt by this? Who’s gonna know? Please…please don’t make this a big thing. It’s shocking, yeah. It’s fucking weird as shit but so what? I knew and it didn’t do anything to me. I didn’t freak out or anything. Okay, maybe a little at first, but then Kayla and I started dating so maybe it worked out for the best. I don’t know. But this whole thing isn’t as fucked up as it seems when you think about it.”

They were a little calmer now but they could spark back up at any moment. “Jack—”

“If you’re going to punish them, you’ll have to punish me too. They wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t let them. I could have stopped them at any time but I didn’t because I was happy that they loved each other. And you should love that they love each other too because they’re your children and you should want them to be happy. If you aren’t happy then…well, you’ll have to punish me first because it’s mostly my fault. If you’re going to ground them, you better kick me out of the house. If you kick them out of the house, you better leave me in the desert. I stand by what they’re doing and I’m not moving. I love you guys and I love them and we’re going to stay together, no matter what.” I folded my arms, hoping I looked resolute.

Alan and Amanda were gaping at me, tears in their eyes. Mom was rubbing her eyes and dad looked stuck on the fine edge between warily calm and batshit crazy. I didn’t dare turn to look at Kayla. I wanted to be scared about what she was thinking and what this might mean for our relationship but I had to focus entirely on my family. This whole thing was on the razor’s tip.

Dad took a few deep breaths and looked at me with a stony expression. “We love you all,” he said, “But this…damn it, Jack, this isn’t something you can just easily explain away. We…we need time to…” He looked over at mom, who had buried her face in her hands. “Your mother and I need to talk about this. In the meantime,” he pointed at Amanda, “you will be sleeping in Jack’s room. Jack, you’re going to sleep in here.” He gripped my arm hard, his eyes drilling into mine. “You’re not going to allow anything like this anymore, okay? Your mother and I can’t start coming home earlier so if I even catch a hint that they’ve been…well…” He squeezed my arm so hard, I swear it left a bruise.

“Damn it, kids,” mom said softly, “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything,” dad replied harshly, “Come on. And remember…separate rooms you two.” Alan and Amanda nodded, visibly trembling. Mom and dad left, the shadow of their anger still hanging heavy over the room.

I let out a long breath. “Get dressed, guys,” I said, “I’m going to walk Kayla home.” They nodded, still unable to speak.

It was only now that I turned to look at Kayla. Her expression wasn’t what I expected. I had expected anger or betrayal but she just looked at me the same way you might look at a confusing painting. It was impossible to read what she was thinking and that made me even more nervous. I wanted to reach out and take her hand but I was afraid she might pull away. I couldn’t bear that.

“You…um…ready to go?” I asked lamely. What else could I say? She nodded slowly and walked toward the stairs, keeping eye-contact as much as she could.

The walk across the lawn to her house was one of the longest walks I’ve ever taken. Not because of distance but because of the leaden silence between us. A million explanations, a million justifications, a million things came to mind for me to say but I didn’t have the heart to say them. She had told me to not keep secrets from her. Technically, she had asked me to tell her only things she needed to know but…this was a big one. Besides, what must she think of me? Encouraging incest? With two of her newest friends?

Just describing it in my head made me ashamed of myself. Not that I did something wrong by protecting Alan and Amanda but someone on the outside would not see it like that.

I walked her to her door, feeling like I was about to lose something. She turned to me and gave me that same look she had when we were still in the twins’ room. “Kayla, I—”

She held up a hand. “What time do you go into work tomorrow?” she asked calmly.

I blinked and thought. “At noon.”

“Can you be over here at about ten? I…want some time to think about this. I know you want to talk and we should talk but I need some time to think, okay?”

A little hope returned but I wasn’t about to push my luck. “Okay,” I replied, giving her a small smile.

She returned it, to my relief. “I don’t think I’m mad,” she said, touching my hand. She pulled me in for a hug and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I would have liked for an actual kiss but I wasn’t about to ask for one. I’m stunned she decided to give me a hug.

“See you tomorrow,” I said and then risked adding, “I love you.”

She gave me a wider smile. “And I love you.” She closed the door.

I sighed and beat my fists together. She had said she still loved me, which made me feel good, but who knows what she might say tomorrow after having a night to think about it? We had never really discussed our thoughts on other types of relationships but our own so I didn’t know where this fell on her scale of acceptable. Maybe she would decide…

Knock it off, Jack. I couldn’t just stand here feeling sorry for myself. Alan and Amanda needed me too, now more than ever. The image of their terrified faces was still burned in my brain and the persistent whisper that it was all my fault continued to buzz in my ear. It was my fault but that only meant it was my responsibility to make it right.

I was grabbing some clothes from my room when Amanda came in, dressed in her pajamas and carrying one of her stuffed animals. She clutched the rabbit to her chest, still visibly shaken by everything. “Jack…” she said softly, licking her lips.

“Hey, Amanda,” I said, getting up, “You okay?”

She bit her lip and shook her head, looking at the ground. “Alan said he thought he heard the garage door but I didn’t want to stop.” She ran a hand across her eyes. “It’s all my fault.”

“No,” I said firmly, going over to her and gripping her shoulders, “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I let you guys do it when mom and dad weren’t around. I never had a problem with it. I never told you to be careful. I’m more responsible than you are.”

“That’s not true, Jack. We would have done it even if you hadn’t…” She had to stop as tears streaked her face.

I wiped them away and said, “Everything is going to be okay. Mom and dad aren’t going to kick anyone out.”

Apparently those were the wrong words to say. “Oh my God, do you think they’ll send one of us away?!” She was crying in earnest now. ‘I can’t lose you guys…either of you…I just…” She buried her face in the bunny’s back and cried.

I pulled her in for a hug and she cried into my shoulder, each fresh sob soaking my shirt in tears. I stroked her hair and shushed her. “No one is being sent away,” I said, “I promise.”

She pulled back and looked me in the face. “I was so scared when you told them that you knew. I thought they were going to hit you.”

I gave her a small smile. “Thank goodness for shock paralysis.”

She gave a teary chuckle. “Thank you. For coming in when you did. I don’t know what mom and dad might have done if you hadn’t…”

I pulled her in for another hug. “Just get some sleep. I’m sure everything will be better in the morning.”

She hugged me back, then suddenly looked up and gave me a quick kiss. I was too stunned to do anything but she was already pulling back and stammering before I could react. “I’m sorry!” she said, mortified, “I’m sorry! I just…I wanted to feel something good before…” She started to cry again and collapsed on my bed.

I wanted to comfort her, to tell her everything was going to be okay, but I had just about all I could handle today. I squeezed her shoulder once, said, “Good night,” and left.

Alan was sitting in bed, staring off into space. “How is she?” he asked.

“Broken up,” I replied, taking off my shirt.

Alan bit his lip. “I’m so sorry, Jack.”

“Nothing we can do now but wait for mom and dad to come to a decision.”

He went white. “Do you think they’ll send one of us away?”

“Not if I can help it,” I said firmly, crawling into Amanda’s bed, “Just go to sleep. You worry too much about it, you’ll just feel worse.”

“Yeah, I guess…was Kayla upset?”

“I don’t think so but she wants me over at her house tomorrow before work to talk about it.”

“I hope it goes okay.”

“Me too. And really, Alan…don’t worry about it.”

It was all well and good for me to say that to him, but I wasn’t exactly heeding my own advice. As I put my head on the pillow and drew up the unfamiliar blanket, my mind was full of worry and doubt. It was a long time before I got to sleep.

——————————————————————————————————————————–

Nobody was up when I went downstairs for breakfast. Alan and Amanda were still in bed, presumably having been awake as long as I had before finally falling asleep, and mom and dad’s door was still shut. It was the first lonely breakfast I had had in a long time and, frankly, it was pretty depressing. I missed the banter, I missed the laughter, I missed having someone there to fill in the silence while I chewed. My chewing sounded disturbingly loud.

I finished eating by nine-thirty and still, no one was awake. A half-hour of dead air. Wonderful. I would have booted up a game or something but Amanda still wasn’t awake and I had no desire to turn on the television so I did the only thing I could think of doing: go for a walk. I left a note for my parents, telling them I was going to be at Kayla’s and that I would probably be going directly to work from there.

There was a hint of autumn in the air as I walked. Normally, autumn is my favorite season, if for no other reason than the smell of it. Often, I’ll stand outside and just inhale the scent of leaves and chilled wood, of roaring fireplaces and the twinge of spice from the stale grass. The decomposition of the dead leaves gave way to a heavenly scent, almost a sweetness. Beauty from death. I loved the way the sun shone brightly but the chill in the air was enough to make you shiver; a weathery contradiction. I loved how people huddled together in groups when they talked, keeping each other warm, and the way the conversations would become more intimate because of their closenss. Walking in my leather jacket through a sea of dry leaves, hearing the crunch beneath my feet and the crackling shuffle as they rustle together…honestly, you couldn’t find a better way to spend an afternoon.

I hoped to share that with Kayla soon. God, please don’t let her be too upset.

I walked around the neighborhood, nodding greeting to the few people out and about. I remembered how, not too long ago, Alan and I had walked this same route on the way to talk about relationships. Now, both of them might be in jeopardy. Despite my confident reassurances to my siblings, it seemed terrifyingly likely that one of us might be sent away to live with another relative. Then the family would know about it…then how long until the kids at school?

One little mistake and my whole world might come apart. I was praying as hard as I could but I knew this was in my hands now.

I made it to Kayla’s house a minute before ten. I leaned against her porch railing, staring at the door as I waited for the remaining minute to expire. Did she sleep as fitfully as me last night? Had she made up her mind? Would she be okay with it?

Only one way to find out.

She opened the door on the second knock. “You could have knocked instead of waiting out there,” she said with a little smirk. Good, she’s in a teasing mood.

“And you could have invited me in instead of just watching me,” I replied, sticking my tongue out.

She giggled. “But I like watching you when you don’t know I’m looking.”

“You been staring at me in my bedroom?” Shit, please don’t let her have seen Amanda kiss me.

“Please, I got all of you saved up here.” She tapped her forehead and smiled. She was dressed in sweatpants and an old T-shirt, presumably pajamas made for colder weather. And she still managed to make them sexy as hell.

An awkward silence fell as we both fumbled for something to say. She cleared her throat and gestured to the living room. “Let’s…well, sit down,” she said awkwardly.

A dark lump on the sofa uncurled itself into Tori, stretching and gazing at us with accusing eyes for disturbing her sleep. “Hey, Tori,” I said, stretching out my hand. She sniffed my knuckles and rubbed her head against them. She got up, stretched again and then gently crawled into my lap.

“She’s taken to you,” Kayla said amusedly as she sat down next to me. Tori looked over at her and then quickly flowed from my lap to hers.

“Well, she still knows who the momma is,” I replied, scratching Tori’s ears. She closed her eyes and purred.

“Yes she does.”

Silence fell again. Kayla stroked Tori’s back and I sat, trying to keep from twiddling my thumbs. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she replied, blowing out her cheeks, “I stayed up for a bit last night.”

“Me too.”

“This is…not something you can usually prepare yourself for.”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Kayla, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you! I—”

She put a hand gently to my mouth. “Jack, if you’re worried that I’m going to break up with you or stop loving you, you don’t have to worry. I’m not.”

“You aren’t?” Next paycheck was going straight to the Vatican, I swear.

“No,” she said, giving me a small smile, “I know I asked you to not keep secrets and tell me stuff I needed to know but…well, this wasn’t your secret. It was Alan and Amanda’s. I’ll admit, I was a little pissed off at first that I had to find out this way but the more I thought about it, I wasn’t pissed off at anyone. I was pissed off at the situation. I wanted to be angry at you but I thought what would happen if I had a brother and sister and I realized that you did it to protect them. Because you love them.”

I was so relived I couldn’t think of anything to say other than, “Uh huh.”

She laughed at my response. “Nice to see your brain is working.”

“I hope my parents feel the same way.”

“They better. I mean, it’s always been just kind of an accepted thing that incest is wrong but the more I think about it, you were right in saying there isn’t anything other than a moral outrage making it ‘wrong’. Hell, I’m not even convinced people are just pissed at it because it can make some fucked up babies.” She sucked in her cheek. “Jack…the way you talked last night…honestly, that took some balls.”

“Big balls?” I asked, grinning.

She flicked my ear. “I’ll compliment your cock another time, stud. Seriously, that was really brave of you and I hope your parents realize just how difficult that was for you to do. I don’t know if that will affect their decision but they should realize it.”

“Yeah…”

She put her hand on my cheek. “I’m worried about you, Jack.”

“Why?”

“Well, I don’t want you to try to put too much on yourself. I’m here to help you, too.”

“I know. That’s why I’ve been telling you everything.”

“I know, baby, but I want you to know I can help you.” She cupped my face with both hands and kissed me lightly. “Jack, I love you and I want to be there for you. As more than just someone who can kiss you and have sex with you and hang on your arm. I just feel like…” She started tearing up. “I feel like sometimes I’m just taking you for granted without earning you.”

“Kayla,” I said, seizing her hands, “You deserve me. You’ve earned me. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.” If I had thought about these words, they would have seemed really sappy, but I was speaking from the heart so they were the truth. “I love you because you are you. You make me so happy and bring so much joy to my life. I wouldn’t change anything about you.”

She smiled and kissed me. Then she grabbed my head and pulled me in for a longer kiss. Tori, neglected, slid off her lap with a discontented meow and padded off. The kiss lasted half a minute before she pulled back. “That’s for not giving you one last night,” she said, twisting her mouth apologetically, “Sorry.”

“I understand. So…you’re not weirded out by Alan and Amanda?”

“If they love each other, they love each other. It’s only weird because I’ve been told it’s weird. I care about them enough to get over that.”

I blew out my cheeks. “Any chance you might be able to get my parents to think that way?”

Her tongue moved around inside her cheek. “I wonder how they’ll react to me being okay with it.”

“They love you.”

“I know they do but they also love Alan and Amanda. And I saw the way they were last night.” She shuddered. “My dad can get scary when he’s mad but your parents…damn.”

“Yeah,” I said, laughing a little, “I’ve never seen them like that. Hope I never again.”

She cuddled up to me. “I hope everything is okay. I don’t want to lose any of you guys.”

“You won’t. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Thanks for being amazing.”

“Thanks for being perfect.”

She poked me in the belly. “I’m not.”

“Yes you are. Hey, can you do me a favor?”

“Of course!”

“While I’m at work, could you maybe go over and talk with the twins? Just talk with them, maybe help them feel a little better.”

She looked up at me. “Will your parents let me?”

“I don’t see why not. They made them sleep in separate rooms last night so they probably would be fine having someone else around to make sure they don’t…do anything.”

“…Okay.