Sex Education in the Ozarks

Howdy folks, my name is Wendell Buford, and I live in a little town name of Frog Whistle, Arkansas, with my widdered Ma, Mavis Buford, and my sister Priscilla. Now, folks is always sayin’ to me, “Wendell, you ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?” but I reckon I got me a sixth grade education and I can lift all kinds o’ heavy stuff, so I cain’t complain, ’cause I reckon I get on okay.

Now like I said, my Ma is a widder, on account o’ my daddy got himself runned over by a tractor when I was just a little shaver. Yep, ‘parently it was a hundred sixty-five horsepower John Deere with a power take-off attachment, and I reckon you gonna get yourself run down by a tractor it may as well be a fine piece o’ American engineerin’ like that there, but I guess that weren’t much consolation to my daddy, ’cause word is he never even saw it comin’, which may have had a lot to do with a few shots of Virgil Tatum’s corn liquor under his belt. See, folks around here is always sayin’ you get a belt or two of old Virgil’s jungle juice ‘cross yer chest, and you’d be doin’ good if you could spot a whole team o’ bull elephants in the ruttin’ season, even if you was lookin’ fer ’em. Anyway, after we lost my daddy, my Ma brung Priscilla and me up all on her lonesome, but I reckon she done okay at it.

Now my Ma’s got a first cousin called Abe Driscoll, but I always call him Uncle Abe ’cause he’s been like a uncle to me my whole born days. Uncle Abe lives in a cabin up there in the hills a ways out of town, with my cousin Betsy-Jo and my Granma McCutcheon. Now, you see’ ol’ Uncle Abe’s been widdered himself, ’cause my Aunt Patsy died of the consumption way back when I was so young I cain’t hardly remember her, so after she passed, Granma McCutcheon moved in with Uncle Abe so’s she could help out with raisin’ up Betsy-Jo.

Now bein’ if Uncle Abe is my ma’s first cousin, then technically that makes him my second cousin, but like I said, he’s just like a uncle to me, but I guess that means Betsy-Jo is really my third cousin, but folks don’t go puttin’ too many numbers on things like that out this way. Anyways, bein’ cousins, Betsy-Jo and me was real close as kids. We played together, we run together, we fought together, we wrassled together, we fished together, matter of fact, most anything two kids can do together, I reckon we done it together, ’cause like I said, we was real close.

Now, truth is I guess Granma McCutcheon and me ain’t really related by blood, but out where we hails from, family is family, so I just call her Granma. Matter of fact, I reckon if I called her by anything else she’d whale my butt with that big black skillet of hers, so I reckon I’ll just keep on callin’ her Granma fer the duration, ’cause it’s safer that way. You see, Granma McCutcheon got herself widdered too when she was real young, and I reckon life’s been hard fer her, and it’s done took its toll, ’cause she can be a little testy. In fact, sayin’ she was downright cantankerous wouldn’t be putting’ too much exaggeration on it. Old Uncle Abe is always sayin’ you just gotta watch yer p’s and q’s around Granma, and that may be so, but I reckon there’s a whole lotta other letters in that there alphabet you wanna be keeping a real close eye on too, ’cause like I said, it don’t take much.

Another thing about Granma McCutcheon, she learned herself how to be a doctor a few years back. You see, we ain’t had a regular doctor round these parts fer a long time but ol’ Mr Winthrop, the county vet, is usually more’n happy to tend to any ailments as folks comes along with, even though he learned his doctorin’ trade on animals and livestock, but when he’s got a drunk on he can be a little hard to get a hold of. So, Granma McCutcheon figured she could learn doctorin’ and take up the slack. Way she done it, she learned herself doctorin’ out of a book she got on mail order, called, “Fresnel’s Medical Almanac.” She’s been doctorin’ in her spare time fer a few years now, and I reckon she can doctor up there with the best of ’em these days. She even throws in a full service, and gives folks a free tea-leaf readin’ after their doctorin’ session is done. So, that’s all about Granma McCutcheon, straight up.

Anyway, this here story starts a ways back one time when I was stayin’ over at Uncle Abe’s place, so’s I could help with the shingles on the roof. We was up on that roof all mornin’, and it was gettin’ powerful hot up there, so Uncle Abe said we ought to have ourselves a spell. So me and Uncle Abe clumb down off of the roof, and Uncle Abe went to the kitchen to make himself a pot of coffee, and that left me all on my lonesome.

Now, one thing about fixin’ shingles, it always puts me in the mood fer wrasslin’, so I went off to look fer Betsy-Jo. Now that might sound strange, bein’ Betsy’s a girl and all, but I done whooped all the other fellas around these parts and Betsy’s awful strong fer a girl and she’s whooped most of ’em herself, so she gives me more of a challenge when we goes in fer wrasslin’ together, so that’s why I went lookin’ fer her. I knew Betsy’d be off in the woods someplace, making pets of them wild critters like she does, so that’s where I went lookin’ fer her.

I done looked all over them woods but I couldn’t find Betsy-Jo no place, so I went back a different way, past the old swimmin’ hole, where Betsy-Jo and me used to go skinny dippin’. We hadn’t done no skinny dippin’ fer a long while, but when I got closer I could hear Betsy-Jo a-splashin’ around in the swimmin’ hole, and talkin’ to them wild critters like they was gonna talk right back to her, but I couldn’t see nothin’ ’cause there was a whole lotta bushes ‘twixt me and the swimmin’ hole. I found a gap in them bushes, and I stuck my head through. I was about to holler out to Betsy-Jo to see if she was up fer some wrasslin’, but what I seen gave me a big surprise.

Now, it weren’t no surprise to see Betsy-Jo in her birthday suit, on account of that’s how folks dress when they’s a skinny-dippin’, but what plumb took me by surprise was how different Betsy looked since the last time I seen her like that.