Reluctant Desires

Reluctant Desires

For the last couple of months, my boyfriend has been trying to get me to come to his work and have sex. He’s begged and pleaded, even tried bribing me with foot massages. There is no fucking way I am having sex in the library. For me, sex is private. We’ve all got things we don’t want the public knowing about, so the idea of having sex in such a public place gives me the whiggins.

My name is Corey. People say I’m good looking, but I look nothing like the tanned blond bimbos that fills up the internet. I’m a short little 5’2 twig with small breasts and pale skin. I’ve never really done the girly thing. I wear my hair short, my clothes baggy and my face makeup less. I didn’t even start shaving my legs until I started dating Sebastian at the tender age of 26. I’m awkward. I’ve never really understood people. I still don’t understand what Sebastian sees in me, but having a boyfriend keeps my parents quite. I prefer working at the funeral home. I’m mostly alone and can be myself, listen to music and really unwind while I prep bodies for services. It’s quite. Nothing at all like the library with a million people in and out all day. Dear sweet Corey, trying to convince me to have sex in the local history stacks.

“No one ever goes back there, it’ll be private.” Private, sure. He’s a nice guy, but when he doesn’t let the matter drop for 4 months, he really starts to get on my nerve. I try explaining how him taking my virginity last year was a big step for me, and I am not ready to do something so bold as public sex. He doesn’t let up. One night while watching a crappy movie together, I finally loose it.

“Why the fuck is it so important that we have sex at the library?” I shout. He nearly jumps of the couch, the only reason he doesn’t is that I have my legs spread out over his lap. He’s not used to me being so forceful.

“It’s no the library…it’s just…I’ve always liked the idea of having sex in, you know, weird places.” He mumbles, averting his eyes. He’s clearly uncomfortable about opening up about this.

“What, like a fetish?” I ask gently.

I feel him shift his weight. “I guess. I know it’s weird, but I’ve just always liked to think about having sex in different places. Like work, or the park. I don’t actually want to be watched, but the idea that anyone could stumble onto it is…exciting.” He looks over to me with pleading eyes. I never realized how much this meant to him. I can imagine him thinking how fucked up he must seem. To some people, maybe. Not to me. I know what it’s like to have desires that are uncomfortable for most people, worried about being found out.

“Let me think about it?” I tell him. Sebastian gives me a wry smile out of the corner of his mouth.

“Sure. Thanks babe.” He says, patting my feet.

We end up having sex that night. It’s not great. I’ve only ever had an orgasm when I masturbate in private. When he falls asleep next to me, I prop myself up on my elbow, so I can look into his face. He really is a good looking guy. 6 feet tall, chubby, but in a cute way. Brown hair you can tell used to be blond. I love watching him sleep, he never seems more beautiful to me. So at peace.

While I watch him I begin running our conversation on the couch over in my mind. Sebastian has a fetish. Who am I to judge. If it means that much to him, maybe I should do it. I mean, if I ever want to do the things I want, it’s only fair, right?

In the morning I’m sitting on a stool in the tiny kitchen I have drinking coffee when he comes downstairs.

“Morning babe.” He mumbles, kissing the top of my head as he walks over to the coffee machine.

“Morning.” I reply. While I work up the courage to broach the subject, I take a sip of my coffee.

“Sebastian?” I start.

“Mmm?” He reply’s, pouring himself a cup.

“I’ve thought about what we talked about last night.”

He let’s my words hang in the air as he puts the pot back into the coffee maker.

“Okay.”

I can feel him behind my back, worried about what I’ll say.

“You know that I’m not…open about a lot…what I mean is,”

He cuts me off. “I know, I’m sorry. I don’t want to push you, it’s just that-“

“Shush.” I make a zipping motion with my hands as he walks back around the counter. “I know you know. That’s why I’m sure you’ll understand why I don’t want to have sex in the library.”

Like a sad puppy, he kind of sinks. “But…” I continue.

Sebastian cautiously perks up. “But?”

“I would be willing to take a baby step in that direction. Somewhere…taboo, but still private.”

His telltale smirk spreads across his face. “Okay.”

“I was thinking that maybe if we do this, we could also do something I’d want too.” I avert my eyes and take a long drink of my coffee, trying to hide myself as much as I can.

“That you’d…Corey, do you have a fetish too?” I’ve taken him completely off guard. Throughout our relationship I’ve been so repressed, the idea that I might have a serious interest in sex, something kinky mind you, is baffling to him.

“Yeah.” I reply from behind my coffee cup.

“What is it?”

I lower my cup a bit, cradling it before me like a safety blanket. I close my eyes.

“Baby steps Sebastian. Let me show you…saying it is too…” I don’t have the words.

Right away he’s the concerned, comforting boyfriend. “Hey, no problem babe. I understand it took a lot of courage to even talk about it. I’d be happy to do anything you need me to. I love you.”

I sigh in relief. “Thanks.”

Sebastian finally sits down on his stool. As he stirs in some sugar into his cup, he asks “So where were you thinking of wanting to go? If not the library?”

“Well…if you want somewhere taboo like the work place, but I want somewhere private, I was thinking, maybe, we could go to…my…work.”

As I speak, I keep my eyes away from Sebastian’s face. His spoon stops in his cup.

“The funeral home?” He rolls his shoulders, creeped out. “Isn’t that a little…morbid?”

“Well…it’s just that it’s a place I’m comfortable. I have keys, we could go in at night and be alone. And even then, it’s just me and Mr. Trotsky, and he’s, like, 80.