Rachel’s Debt (Chapter 5 – Poker Night)

Several times the following day I thought about calling Rachel. Each time, it was a struggle to keep myself from dialing her number. In the end, I knew that she would come to a decision in her own time and rushing her to make it would only serve to push her away. Fortunately, tonight was poker night, so I would be saved from spending the rest of the evening thinking about her. What had started as a weekly gathering amongst friends had grown smaller and more infrequent. Matt had stopped coming in order to spend more time with his family and game night had fallen to once a month. Tonight was my turn to host, and I realized only on the drive home that I was desperately lacking in provisions.

Swinging into the grocery store on my way home, I bought two jars of salsa, several bags of chips, a bag of pretzels, and two cases of beer. I had a kegerator in my game room, but after a boozy month in which I tried to drink away Amber’s death I hadn’t refilled it again. I made it back home about twenty minutes before my guests would start arriving. Technically, cards didn’t start for another 50 minutes, but Derek and Jeff were almost always a half hour early. I brought the beer in first, opening the cases and stacking them in the game room refrigerator. Interrupting her mid-knock, I nearly slammed my screen door into Rachel’s face as I went to get the chips and salsa.

“Rachel?” She pushed passed me and into the living room. If she had made a decision about our burgeoning relationship, the harried look on her face didn’t seem too promising. Forgetting about the snacks, I closed and locked the front door. Several of my friends knew about the “alternative” lifestyle I had shared with Amber, a few of them had even been a part of some of our games, but I wasn’t quite ready for them to see me with Rachel yet. Especially since I didn’t even understand exactly what we had right now.

She paced through the room several times, finally turning towards me as if she was only just noticing I was there. She took a deep, hurried breath and spat out, almost as one word, “Do you have any idea where you might’ve lost your phone?”

It took me a moment to remember what she was talking about, but I recovered nicely before she saw the confusion on my face. “Honestly, I had thought you had taken it. Tried to destroy it, erase it, whatever.” Seeing the anger rise in her face, I continued, “I believe you, I don’t think you did anymore, but aside from that, I really can’t even remember the last place I had it. Why?”

It felt like a lifetime that she spent staring at me, scrutinizing me for any sign I was lying. My forehead beaded in sweat, and I thought that my face must be twitching frantically, but she seemed not to notice as she collapsed onto the couch with her head in her hands. “Ryan has the video. Of me. Of us. I don’t know what else he has, but he knows.”

“How did he…Shit, I’m so sorry, Rachel. I can’t believe I was so careless. Tell me what you need, how do I make this right?” Damnit, RJ. You didn’t exactly give him that drive thinking he’d keep it to himself, though, did you? No, but I thought that…Maybe he hadn’t seen the pictures. Maybe I had gotten the drive back before he found it.



She looked up at me through teary eyes, but there was a grateful smile on her face. “No, I was going to end things with…well, it doesn’t matter. He’s pissed, and he should be, but how many others might’ve seen those pictures? Oh. There really isn’t anything we can do now, is there? He’s going to try to ruin me. It’s what I would do if I were in his situation.” I sat down on the couch next to her and she laid her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her and she sighed contentedly. Well, as content as a woman who had just had her boyfriend find video of her being blackmailed into sex could be.

Once again, I marveled at how comfortable it felt being around her. Whether I was ready to move on from Amber or not, it shouldn’t feel this easy holding a woman half my age, right? Still, when I was with her everything else seemed to slip away from me, and it appeared that she was at least starting to feel the same way as her contented snores soon joined my deep breathing. So it was that we were both startled when we heard a car door slam outside. “Shit.”

“What is it?”

“Poker night. Look, don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t actually know what the right way to take this would be, but you have to hide.” She didn’t argue or ask questions, bolting for the basement stairs. “Not there.” She stopped, eyes wide, confused. “In the bedroom, close the door. There should be four of them coming, as soon as they’re all downstairs I’ll let you know.” She ran to me, kissed me briefly, but passionately. “Go, Rachel, I’m pretty sure Jim works at your school. You probably don’t want him seeing you here.” She bit her lip, gave me a curious look, and then sprinted for the bedroom. As soon as I heard the door shut, I opened the front door.

“Hey, man, where’s everyone else at? I’m never the first one here.”

“I don’t know, Jim, what time is it?”

“Ten to. No one told me they weren’t coming.”

“Me either. They’ll be here. Derek has this day circled on his calendar, it’s his one night off from dealing with Karen.” I had barely finished speaking when Derek pulled up in his truck, Jeff in the passenger seat next to him. He pulled in behind Rachel’s truck, both men getting out of the cab. “Hey, Derek, before you get too far, can you move your truck?”

“No problem. Who’s this little number belong to? Lady friend? Have you decided to rejoin the land of the living?”

“Nothing as fun as that. It’s a coworker, he’s coming by later to pick it up. I don’t want to have to interrupt the game. You know Jeff would have the deck stacked by the time we got back if we did.” Jeff pushed past me, clapping me roughly on the back. Right after Derek parked, David pulled in, taking up the newly empty spot behind Rachel’s truck. After I got him to move his car, I ushered them into the basement, each of them grabbing seats around the card table, Derek handing out beers from the fridge. “Hold on a second, guys, I’ll be right back.” Making sure they were all settled in, I trotted back up the stairs.

Slipping open the bedroom door, I expected to find Rachel waiting on the bed. Instead, she was at my closet door, inspecting something. Whatever it is she had found seemed to have her quite distracted; she didn’t notice I was in the room until the bedroom door softly latched behind me. Looking up at me in terror, she shot backwards from the closet, turning her body so her back was to the wall. “Alex, I’m so so so sorry. I know I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.”

I tried to go to her, but she slid away from me, not willing to turn her back on me. It felt like all the muscle fibers had run out of my body as I turned and realized what she had been looking at. I slumped down on the bed, staring at Amber’s wedding dress, the rest of my clothes pulled back away from it. It had been the one thing I couldn’t bring myself to pack up. Rachel was still watching me, but I barely noticed. “I’m sorry, Alex. I shouldn’t have been snooping. I’ll just go.” She had to walk past me or climb over the bed, and for a moment I thought she might choose the latter to avoid getting near me. She didn’t, and I grabbed her wrist as she walked by. It wasn’t hard, but it was still enough to make her jump and squeal at my touch.

“It’s okay, Rachel. I’d probably want to know, too, if I was in your position. Whatever position that is.”

She sat down next to me. This time, it was her turn to offer a comforting hug, draping her arm around me. “I…think I know…what position I’m in. Or where I want it to be. I think. I don’t really know, but we can talk about that later. You should get back to your friends.”

I looked at her, deep into her eyes. I had a fleeting sense of loss, and I was suddenly sure this would be the last time I looked at her. Knowing about Amber was one thing, but she had found the skeletons in my closet, the proof that no matter how much I claimed otherwise, she was still a huge part of my life. Rachel would disappear, and I would let her go, all debts forgiven, and I would go back to my ghosts. I couldn’t fight back the sadness in my voice as I told her, “Everyone’s downstairs. If you leave now, they won’t see you.”

She merely nodded, squeezing my shoulder once as I got up. It was on trembling legs that I left the room, aching to run back and hold her, to tell my friends to get the hell out and just be with her. I couldn’t do that, and she didn’t want that. Not now. I could hear and feel my own sadness reflected back in her. Forcing myself to not turn around, not steal one last glance at her, I shut the bedroom door and rejoined my friends downstairs.

*****Rachel*****

I had hurt him. He tried to pretend I didn’t, that it didn’t matter, but I could tell. After the previous stunt I had pulled, throwing his wife back in his face (and seriously, how stupid could I have been? I found out he was married but didn’t dig deep enough to read that his wife had passed away?) I couldn’t exactly blame him for being mad. Probably thought he had caught me vandalizing her wedding dress. That thought had never even crossed my mind, but now that I think about it, I really have no idea why her wedding dress had caught my eye so much. His closet door had been open just a touch, and I must have seen a flash of white lace or something, just enough to register as something I wouldn’t expect to see in Alex’s wardrobe, but once I found the dress, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Until he found me staring at it.

The sadness I felt radiating off of him felt toxic. It had seeped into my skin, infected my very core. The way he had walked out of the room, completely emotionless, not even a look back at me. I knew that there was likely nothing I could do to get him back now. Sure, he might let me repay my debt, but no matter how dirty I got for him, how crazy a fantasy I provided, he would never look at me the same again. But how different is that from before anyways? You didn’t care about the dress, you cared about the woman who had last worn it, about the way he looked at her, the way he felt about her. He may do some of the same things with you that he did with her, but he’ll never see you the same way. You’ll never make him feel like he did when she was around.



Suddenly, I knew I had to leave. Maybe Alex would call me later, after his game. The talk around the table would turn dirty, and he’d be on the phone looking for a booty call as soon as they were out the driveway. I knew that, if he did, I’d come running. If not, I’d probably call him. Not tonight, but in a few days. Something was happening, and though I still wasn’t sure what it was, I had learned enough to stop trying to quantify it and just enjoy it for now. I’d call him up and convince him to continue. I’d offer him willingly what he had once offered me $500 for, that ought to do it. Either way, I had to get out of this bedroom. I tested myself on shaky legs, finally managing to approach the door and open it unsteadily. Closing it silently behind me, I walked out through a house that was becoming more and more familiar, even comfortable, to me. Stopping by the bathroom to wipe the tears out of my eyes and straighten my hair, I realized upon leaving there was something different in the hallway. How I had missed it previously was slightly concerning, as the door seemed to have almost magically appeared in front of me. I had never seen Alex enter it, had never seen the door open, in fact, had never even registered that there was a door here.

Whatever power had brought the door into my consciousness was also exerting its considerable will on forcing all else from it. My mind was consumed by the door and the mysteries that lay behind it. Nowhere were thoughts that it might be an office, or a home gym, or simply a storage area. Even another sex dungeon, which would’ve seemed wholly foreign to me a few weeks ago but would have fit in well in this house, didn’t seem possible. The door felt secretive, magnetic. Whatever was behind it was powerful, whether for good or evil I couldn’t tell, but it was drawing me in. I hadn’t even been aware of moving until I felt the unnaturally cool brass of the door handle against my palm.

I was terrified now. Please let it be locked, please, please, please, I’m not ready for what’s in there. Let it be locked, and I’ll turn around, and the door will go back to whatever place it’s been hiding in. It wasn’t locked. I felt the handle turn, a faint crackle of electricity running through it, shooting up and down my arm. As soon as the latch released, the door seemed to swing open on its own (seriously, you’re being crazy now). Taking in the room took my breath away. I understood immediately the force that had been driving me. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t evil, it wasn’t some non-entity interfering idly in the affairs of whoever it managed to come across. It was Amber. The room was set up like a shrine, and it was clear that Amber lived in this room. A sewing table and easel sat in the corner, with racks of clearly homemade dresses against one wall and hand-painted pictures of birds and wildlife and nature tableaus filling one wall.

The other wall seemed to bustle under the weight of trying to support every picture the two of them had ever taken together.