Other Plans

“You realize, of course, that you’re next.”

I rolled over onto my side and looked at Chris, who was grinning smugly at me. “Now you sound like Aunt Gwen, and let me tell you, that’s nothing to be proud of.”

“I like your Aunt Gwen; she always tells me how big I’m getting.”

“Christopher, you’re twenty-nine years old — such things shouldn’t thrill you anymore.”

He shrugged and put his hands behind his head, yawning. “Doesn’t matter, Mel; we guys always like it when women tell us how big we are.”

I groaned and rolled over on my back, looking through my sunglasses at the white, fluffy clouds forming in the otherwise blue sky. The sun was warm and it probably would have been unbearable if there hadn’t been a gentle July breeze blowing softly. I thought about what Chris had said and felt depressed again. He was right: I was to be the only single sibling left in my family — with no signs of my status changing anytime soon.

Chris started to snore softly, and I pondered him. We met when we were in kindergarten and became friends because of our mutual love of bugs and frogs. Our parents became fast friends when Chris’s family moved next door, and we ended up spending a lot of time at each other’s house. He was my best friend and, at times, my worst enemy. When we are getting along, he is the most precious friend in the world to me, but he has this annoying habit of always being right; frankly, that really pisses me off.

I remember when we were in grade school: I overheard our mothers talking and saying that one day Chris and I would probably get married. That thought horrified me then and still does to this day. Don’t get me wrong: I like Chris a lot, but I’m not sure I could spend the rest of my life chained to him. If I really break it down and analyze it, I guess it’s because we know almost everything there is to know about each other and that’s one scary thought. The pictures that our parents have of us playing in a three-ring blowup pool, completely naked, don’t help, either. Suffice to say there are no secrets between us, although it’s been many years since we’ve bared our bodies to each other.

A car pulled into the driveway, and I sat up, wondering who had arrived.

“I hope it’s Aunt Gwen,” Chris said, yawning again as he sat up beside me. “I need that little ego boost.”

I pulled my knees up under my chin, hugging my legs. “If you’re really lucky, it’ll be Gramma, and she’ll give you a sucker.”

“Oh boy! Actually, I like your Grandmother too; she’s one hell of a kisser.”

I didn’t take the bait — I learned that lesson a long time ago. “If you’re really lucky, she’ll have her teeth in.”

Chris grinned at me. “What’s on for tonight, anyway?”

“Well, you guys are probably going to go out and get drunk, ogle naked women, and masturbate like crazy later when you’re alone, and we women will probably sit around and sip punch, exchange recipes, and eventually die of boredom.”

“Too bad you can’t cook, huh? Actually, maybe you could pick up on a few tips tonight.”

“I can’t believe Tim is getting married,” I said, changing the subject. I’m pretty sure that not all women are supposed to know how to cook. Some of us are meant for bigger and better things, or at least I’m hoping so.

“I wonder if they’re having sex yet.”

“The whole world doesn’t revolve around sex, you know.”

“Mine does.”

“Seriously?”

“Oh yeah. There are those rare times that I’m not thinking about sex, but basically, someone is fornicating in my brain constantly.”

I shook my head and was about to comment when I heard the voice. No, it wasn’t a voice detached from a living body — those voices usually just come to me when I’m alone. No, it was the voice of my Aunt Gwen — Chris’s dream girl.

“Melissa!” she squealed from across the yard, giving me ample time to stand up and prepare myself for the hugging blow I was about to receive.

“Aunt Gwen!” I tried to match her tone, but that would take stubbing my toe on something really hard just to hit the right octave.

“Look at you!” she said as she grabbed me and hugged me with the force of a python hugging a mouse. “My goodness! Little Melissa!” I would have replied if she hadn’t been squeezing me so tightly, cutting off all the oxygen supply to my brain. Finally, she let me go and attacked Chris.

“And Christopher! My goodness you’re so big!”

I watched Chris hugging her while smiling at me. It was quite a sight since Chris is over six feet tall and the top of Gwen’s head didn’t even reach his shoulders. She released him and stood back, smiling at both of us.

“My my! Oh, it’s so good to see you kids again, and you both look so wonderful. Actually, Melissa, you could stand putting on a pound or two; you’re starting to look thin, but you’re filling out quite nicely, dear!”

I’m sure it was all Chris could do to hold back his laughter. Unless I missed my mark, he was probably biting a hole in his lip. The thing about Aunt Gwen is that you don’t have to hold up your end of the conversation because she doesn’t give you a chance. She’s my Dad’s sister, and he once said that she was really quiet until she hit fifty and after that you couldn’t shut her up. I guess she is trying to make up for lost time.

“Gee thanks, Aunt Gwen,” I mumbled, as she continued commenting on everything from the weather to my new hairstyle. I looked over at Chris who had his arms crossed over his chest, nodding like a parakeet, as if he was completely enthralled with what she was saying. Knowing Chris, he probably was.

“I’m going to go see if your mother needs any help in the kitchen. She’s probably a little overburdened with all the company that will be here soon,” she said, quickly bustling back to the house.

“She’s right, you know.”

“Nah, I’m sure my mother is doing her usual spectacular job.”

“No, when she said that you’re filling out quite nicely.”

“You’re such a jerk,” I said and started walking towards the house.

Chris caught up to me and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me tight to him. He kissed my temple and mumbled something about going to the house to see if Gramma had any treats for him.


~:~:~

My brother Tim had chosen well, in my opinion. Carrie is a very nice person, and quite attractive. Unfortunately, she is very shy around us even though we’ve known her for almost two years. That probably says something about my family, although I’m not sure what. It’s not that we are really loud — we’re just opinionated and tend to express those opinions — okay, we can be loud. It amazed me the first time I met Carrie because she is so quiet and my brother is quite boisterous. Maybe opposites really do attract.

The one thing that I tried very hard to figure out, and then eventually just gave up on, is why he decided to spend the rest of his life with her. I mean, she’s very nice and all, but this is the same guy who used to date three girls all in the same night. They were constantly calling when he lived at home, and I secretly voted him the most likely to end up with a social disease. I always thought he’d marry a cheerleader since I’m pretty sure he dated all of them. Now, here he is, thirty years old, and tying the knot to someone who could be a librarian. Actually, she is a librarian. Never mind.

Since Tim and Carrie were getting married the next day, it called for a big family gathering at my parent’s place. I had arrived early in the morning and helped my Dad in the backyard while my sister helped Mom in the house. (I try to steer away from domestic things because I only end up hurting myself or having to dial the fire department for rescue.) Around noon, Chris had stumbled over from his parent’s place and helped Dad and me set up rented tables and chairs. My Dad’s big plan was to barbecue for everyone — everything from hotdogs to steaks, all at the same time.

Everyone arrived at my parent’s house, and there was tons of hugging and kissing. Chris was in his glory when Gramma told him he was getting to be a big boy. As the day wore on, I started to get really hungry, and I suspect that other people were feeling the same way. We all stood around, crammed in the backyard, wishing my Dad would stop saying “They’re almost done!” and would just flip us some food instead.

I was pacing the deck when Carrie introduced me to her one sister Janice, whom I’d never met. She was also in the wedding party. Oh, did I mention that, once again, I was going to be a bridesmaid? Well, I was, and damn proud of it too. They say you just can’t own too many ugly satin dresses, and I was starting to believe them.

Carrie’s sister turned out to be the exact opposite of her. I found this out when Carrie left to go inside and help the “real” women in the kitchen. Janice wasn’t the least bit shy and almost looked like she was on the prowl. I watched as she scanned the backyard, and her eyes stopped on the group of guys drinking beer and laughing in the corner of the yard. I followed her stare, which seemed to be settling on Chris.

“Who’s tall, dark, and handsome over there? The guy in the white polo shirt,” she asked, looking at me with a smile that exposed her curiosity.

“That would be Chris — our neighbor.”

“I see. Very, very nice. Is he married?”

“Nope.”

“Seeing anyone?”

I had this funny feeling deep inside, and I can’t really describe it, but it almost felt like jealousy. Whatever it was spawned my reply. “Well, he was seeing someone, and they recently broke up.”

“Really?” She looked a little too excited about that news, so I continued with my story.

“Yes, Frank thought Chris was fooling around on him, so he left him. It’s a shame, really, because they were such a cute couple.”

“Frank?”

I nodded and tried not to smile. She smiled uncomfortably at me and said she was going to get something to drink. After she left, I looked over at Chris, who was staring at me, and I waved, thinking it’s only fair that if I’m not getting any sex, he shouldn’t be either.

“What’s with the smirk?” he asked, walking up to me.

“I’m just happy to be alive!”

“Yeah, right — what evil thing have you done now?”

“You’re awfully suspicious, Christopher.”

He looked at me and rolled his eyes. “Hey, we’re going back to Tim’s house after dinner to just hang out — wanna come?”

“I wish,” I said. I really did wish I could because I’ve always spent more time with Tim and my other brother Jake than with my sister Andrea. Andrea is the oldest, so by the time I came along, she wasn’t really interested in playing with me. Instead, I hung out with Tim and Chris and became one of the guys.

“Just stay here for a little while and then tell them that you already made other plans and have to leave early,” Chris suggested.

“What other plans? They all know I have no life outside of the hospital.”

“Come on, Melissa; you’re a clever girl. You can get out of this.”

“You could beep me,” I said, thinking out loud. I wasn’t on duty, but no one knew that but me. (I’m a second year resident at the local hospital and seem to live there most of the time.)

“Consider it done.” Chris was grinning at me, which made me slightly suspicious.

“Why is it so important that I’m there?”

“We were just thinking that it would be fun to have one last big drunk before Tim goes off to join the married class. It wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t there, that’s all.”

I accepted his answer, but only because Dad yelled that the food was finally ready and my stomach was growling — the suckers that Gramma gave Chris and me just hadn’t been filling at all.


~:~:~

I knocked on Tim’s front door and then just walked in, finding the house silent, but I could hear them laughing in the backyard. Stopping at the fridge, I grabbed a beer and headed outside. They were all sitting on the deck, lounging in lawn chairs, and killing themselves laughing.

“Hey,” I said, making my presence known.

“Melissa!” Tim yelled. “Come on down, girl!”

“Uh huh,” I said, grabbing a chair and pulling it up between Chris and Bruce. Bruce is Tim’s best friend, and I used to have a huge crush on him. He actually showed some interest in me about three years ago, and then suddenly, he just became my pal and nothing ever happened. I guess I’ll always just be Tim’s little sister to him. “So…what are we talking about?”

“We were just discussing which cartoon women we’d most like to boff,” Tim said proudly.

“Ahh, a deep intellectual conversation,” I said, looking at Chris. “And who did you pick?”

“It’s a toss up between Betty Rubble and Judy Jetson. I can’t really decide.”

Tim started to explain why he thought Wilma Flinstone wouldn’t be hot in the sack, and I wondered why I had left my parent’s house to listen to this. I could feel someone staring at me and looked over at Mike, who continued drilling holes in me with his eyes even though I was looking right at him. He smiled and I smiled back, trying to be polite. I liked Mike, although I felt like he was always mentally undressing me. He’s really shy until you get to know him, and then you realize that it’s all a cover-up and he’s actually a big pervert.

“Aren’t there any other women coming here tonight?” I asked, realizing for the first time that I was the only one who was wearing a bra — well, that statement might not be totally accurate because I’m pretty sure that Dave is a cross-dresser.

“Nope,” said Tim, taking a long swallow of his beer. “It’s just us guys tonight.”

That’s me, just one of the guys — just five guys and me. Some women might think this a good thing until they figured out all of these men were slightly nuts. I drank my beer quickly, figuring I should try and catch up to them.

“Hey, why don’t we go watch the movie I brought,” suggested Bruce. He then looked at me and said the weirdest thing, “Sorry, Mel, there’s no girl-girl action in this one.”

I raised an eyebrow and could hear Chris beside me, clearing his throat. “And that would matter to me because?”

Bruce looked mildly uncomfortable and stuttered out, “Because…well, Chris told me…you know…about your…”

“About my what?” I looked at Chris who was concentrating very hard on peeling the label off his beer bottle. “My what?”

“Your…uhmm…sexual preference.”

“My sexual preference? What exactly would my sexual preference be, Bruce?”

Bruce gulped. “Uhmmm, women.”

The backyard got very quiet, and I turned my attention to Chris, who was visibly trying hard not to laugh. “Did you tell him I was gay, Chris?”

Chris looked at me. “I’m sorry, Mel; it just kinda slipped out one day.”

“I see.”

“It’s okay, Melissa,” Bruce said. “I think it’s really cool that you know who you are and what you like. Uhmmm, let’s go watch the movie.”

I remained seated and so did Chris. Tim stopped beside my chair and leaned down. “You know, Sis, I never would have guessed it,” and he walked away, killing himself laughing.

“You have some explaining to do.”

“It was just a joke. Everyone but Bruce knows it’s not true. I’ve just never gotten around to telling him otherwise.”

“Oh, and it’s very funny, Christopher.” I started thinking about earlier when I had told Janice about Chris’s lover Frank, and it was all I could do not to break out laughing.

“One night, probably about three years ago, Bruce was yacking about the different women around that he really wanted to fuck, and your name was near the top of his list.”

“And?”

“And I told him that he’d never have you because you preferred women, that’s all.”

“Why would you do that?” I asked, quite seriously.

“I dunno…I just didn’t like the thought of you and him, I guess. You know him, Mel; he’s just out to see how many women he can bang, and that’s it.”

“Did it ever occur to you that I might have wanted to be banged?”

“Did it ever occur to you that I never want to see you hurt? Especially by a loser like Bruce.”

I had never heard Chris call Bruce a loser before. In fact, Chris rarely spoke ill of anyone. “Guess you love me a lot, huh?”

“More than you know,” he said and then stood up, offering me his hand. “Come on, girlie, let’s go watch some porn.”


~:~:~

We each grabbed another beer and went into the living room where the movie had already started to play. The only available seat left was the love seat. (I guess guys don’t like to watch porn movies sitting next to each other, or something.) I curled my legs up under me and leaned back, sipping my beer as I watched the opening act.

A man wearing a Lone Ranger mask was riding through the woods when he stumbled upon a scantily clad woman picking apples. Looking at the tree, I couldn’t see any visible apples hanging from it, yet the woman had a basket full of bright red ones. This was a tip-off that she was indeed one talented lady. He asked her for directions and then looked down her blouse as she giggled and pointed, telling him which path to follow. She then told him she lived in a small cottage in the same direction and asked if he would take her there because of her fear of bears. She promised that it wouldn’t take long to get there.

At this point I cracked up laughing, and everyone in the room stared at me. Apparently, I’m the only one who realized that she’s just some slut trying to get the guy back to her place where she would force him to eat her apple pie.

Anyway, the guy helped her up onto his horse, placing her in front of him; she clutched her apple basket as they started riding away.