My Wife Paid for My Mistakes – Part 2

In the days immediately following her rape, Kel had found out she was not pregnant. But her rapist left her with an indelible change just as profound. She had insisted from the outset that we didn’t file a police report. She couldn’t deal with the questions and because she felt she was clearly to blame, it would be of no use anyway.

For weeks following her rape Kel wandered aimlessly around the house in dazed and contemplative silence. We seldom spoke and when we did the conversation was always degraded to the same conversation. I would tell her that it wasn’t her fault and that I should have never let it have gone so far. She would shake her head and say ‘NO’, she talked me into letting him take her into the parking lot, it’s her fault, she’s stupid, she’s a fucking slut who got what she deserved. I tried to be supportive especially since I knew my own thoughtless complicity in her attack, but my encouragement and support fell on deaf ears. My suggestions of professional help were received with outright anger. She was NOT going to talk to a stranger about what a whore she was. She said she could figure that one out all by herself.

Then about the sixth or seventh week after the attack, Kel woke up one Saturday and started to act normal…..or at least so I thought. I cautiously smiled to watch Kelly move with a little more energy. She got up, showered, got dressed in something other than the old sweats that had become her uniform for the last difficult weeks, then she went downstairs and started to cook breakfast. I joined Kel downstairs in the kitchen and shyly asked..’are you feeling a little better today honey?’ Kel, looked at me and said ‘Sure babe, I’m feeling a little better, I had an epiphany last night and my head is clearer today.’ ‘An epiphany?’ I asked, ‘Would you like to talk about it?’ Kel, said ‘Yes, we better talk, things were going to be a little different from now on.’

I sat down at the kitchen table with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. Watching Kel the last seven weeks was pure hell and while part of me is happy just to see her back among the living, the selfish part of me just wanted things to go back to the way they were ‘before’. Not different, not new…..just the same. But I of course knew better.

Kel continued… ‘I have come to the realization that, well, I suppose I’m basically a whore at heart.’ ‘Stop right there Kel’ I said. ‘You’re getting your head further twisted everyday, you’re NOT a whore, I…..we ….made a stupid mistake and you paid a terrible price, but you’re NOT a whore. I’m making an appointment for you with the doctor today damit, I should have put my foot down weeks ago!’ Kel looked at me with a determination that I’d NEVER seen in her eyes before. ‘ You call the doctor, you make one move to interfere and you’re dead.’ ‘I’ll ruin you’ I’ll ruin your spotless reputation and then you’ll never see me again’. ‘Is that what you want?’ Come on ! , IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?’ she prodded. ‘No, Kel of course not, I want to help, I love you.’ ‘I can’t fucking stand this’…. ‘Interfere?, with what?’ I asked.

‘Like I was trying to explain…..dear……I have come to the realization that I am a whore.’ ‘ Now, before you get on your fucking high horse again, here me out.’ ‘What you don’t know, what I couldn’t bear to tell you honey, is that while I was being raped a part of me liked it.’ My heart felt like it was in a vise and I’m sure the look on my face said it all to Kelly. Kel continued, ‘I have been wrestling with this for weeks.’ ‘I feel that I have betrayed you, myself or at least my old self and maybe worst of all I feel like I am betraying all the women who are raped each year and are callously told…”You wanted it” or “You liked it” when they didn’t.’ ‘MY problem is, that, and I am sorry honey, I did like it.’ ‘I was scared to death at first’ ‘I thought he would kill me, kill you.’ ‘But after I sensed that he probably wouldn’t murder me, the fear, the thrill, adrenalin rush, the heat of the desire he felt was intoxicating.’ ‘I was afraid for him to cum in me, because I didn’t want a rape baby, but if I wasn’t so fearful of getting pregnant, I know I would have enjoyed feeling him fill me up.’ ‘Honey,…..I’m sorry to drop this on you but maybe now I can heal and be myself’……’Honey?’ Kel paused probably having noticed no response or breathing from my un-souled body. ‘Honey?’….’say something.’

‘Fuck Kelly’ ‘What the hell do you want me to say?’ ‘And just what is all this “New You” and “things are going to be different” crap I’m hearing?’ ‘It’s not crap and
it’s going to happen’ Kel said firmly. ‘You can help me and love me or you can leave me
to go it alone’. ‘I’m hoping you stay and help me.’ ‘Stay and help you do WHAT, Kel’?

Kelly came over behind me an put her hands on my shoulders to sooth me. ‘I do love you’, she said softly ‘but I need you to help me recapture that feeling’…’I can’t let it go. It’s like an instant addiction.’ Kel then laid out her plan to me. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from my beautiful wife. She wanted, no, she needed, according to her, to have other men take her forcefully and I was to be her rape pimp. ‘What the fuck, Kel ! Have you lost your mind.’ ‘You think, I’m going to “set up” a fantasy rape or rapes for you and stick around to protect you?’ I was sick to my stomach and god help me, I was also so hard at the thought of Kel having sex I had to have her right then.

I grabbed Kelly’s hands and threw her on the kitchen table. Stunning her for a second, I caught the top of her sun dress and pulled it toward me. I could hear and feel the front buttons rip loose as I tore through to get to my goal.