Mother’s Proxy_(0)

“Sweetheart, we need to talk, please come here and sit.” My mother patted the cushion of the sofa, she sounded serious.

Until a few months earlier my mother was fresh, healthy, pretty and vibrant with laughter and a zest for live. But now she was anorexic thin and pale. She looked so tired she could hardly sit straight, my heart started bleeding again because of her sickness. She had been in the hospital for weeks teetering between here and gone until she showed enough improvement to be allowed to come home. We were still not sure she would survive past a few more weeks but she did not want to leave us from the hospital, she wanted to be home with her husband and two children beside her if she died.

I’m ashamed now to say that my brother and I always took her for granted, her and our father. They were objects in the house, part of the furniture, we paid them little attention or heed. I lived my life as I wanted and my parents only role was to supply me with food and shelter which they did seemingly with pleasure and love. Determined to make up for the years of indifference I sat beside my ailing parent “What momma, what do you want?”

“Renee, you’re seventeen now, you’ve grown into an alluring, sexy young woman and I know you’ve known at least two boys intimately.”

My brain stopped working, how in hell did she know that!? I learned about sex maybe a year earlier and since the first time I fucked Jacob I let two other boys screw me. It’s fun, I like the feeling of hard cocks pushing into me, I like how I can make them get so hot they’ll do anything I ask just for the chance to fuck me. But her statement didn’t bring up pleasant thoughts, it dropped a veil of doubt and dread over me. I thought briefly of denying any involvement with boys but I could see in her eyes she knew what the hell I’d been doing “I’m sorry momma, I just, uhh, just got carried away and……”

“Stop Renee, it’s okay. I’m not mad, I’m not going to lecture you, call you names or make you feel ashamed. Sex is normal, it happens to everybody, it happens every day, every hour, every minute. Right now there are couples all over the world having sex, it’s the nature of the beast and you shouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed that you’ve taken the final steps to become a woman.” I didn’t know how to answer her so I sat mute wondering what she wanted but I could feel my face flushing.

Mom leaned back on the sofa and sighed deeply with her eyes closed, she was still so long I started to panic “Mom, are you okay?”

She tilted her head toward me “I’m fine, I just need time to think. I have something to say, no, something to ask, and it is going to be very hard to do. Just give me enough time to get the words out in the best way.”

I was glued to the couch, nothing could have moved me until I heard what my mother had to say. I began to worry again that she was forming the final goodbye, putting her affairs in order before leaving. I didn’t want to hear but I couldn’t move, I was tense with fear as I watched her rest.

Mom opened her eyes again, looked at me and started “I love your father more than life itself, I love you and Brian as much if not more. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for any of you and I hope that beneath your teenage girl exterior you feel the same about me.”

“I do momma” I mumbled awkwardly.

“Since I got sick I haven’t been intimate with daddy one time, it’s been over a year since we had sex. I miss it and I know he misses me even more because he is healthy and normal. I’ve tried to help him by offering myself but he doesn’t want to use me, he won’t even let me use my hand on him or give him oral sex. He thinks it would take too much of my energy and doesn’t want to take chances. I tried to talk him into finding a girlfriend or even going to Evergreen Park and pay a woman but he won’t. He won’t fuck anybody else while I am here, he’s keeping himself until I get better. You can’t even know how much that gladdens my heart but depresses me at the same time. I worry for your dad and when he sneaks into the bathroom to masturbate I hurt for him. He does that two or three times a week and I cry when he does because I can’t help.”

I was stunned into silence. My mother was telling me the most private things in my parent’s lives and she was using language I only heard in the halls at school. I managed to stutter quietly “Mom…. momma, why are you telling me this?”

She sat up straighter took a deep breath then began to blush red “I want you to seduce your father. I want him to be a man again and since he won’t leave the house, I’m asking you to fuck him for me. Be my proxy Renee, give him what I can’t, please?” I stared at the roses in her cheeks and only two thoughts entered my mind. The color in her cheeks was beautiful but her words were the ugliest I’d ever heard. I leaped from the sofa and fled.

I hid in my room for hours then left the house out the back door, I didn’t want to see her. I met up with Walt my boyfriend and we drove out to Mindan Point to be alone. He was all over me, groping and feeling, trying to make out but I couldn’t get into him, I had to think.