Mixed Metaphors

Mixed Metaphors by Old Guy

Antonio had legally changed his last name to Miller, as it had originally been the same as a well-known Mafia boss. He was the epitome of a Madison Ave. Advertising agency writer and designer, and only thirty-two years old. Antonio had spent much of his time in college taking classes in Psychology, design and photography. His ability to see beyond the normal feelings of an individual were phenomenal, thereby allowing him to peek into the soul, and market an Ad that would sell refrigerators to Eskimos.

Antonio was the best at what he did, however due to his height of five foot, three and his appearance which was more that of Mel Brooks, than Mel Gibson, he was unable to get a date, or even convince a nice looking girl to go to coffee with him. He pulled in a seven-figure salary and owned a luxury apartment in Manhattan, which had been decorated by the best New York, had to offer.

The date thing was nothing new, as in High School; he never went on a date. His prom night was spent with his cousin Gail who went with him kicking and screaming. Actually she was very docile and treated him wonderful in front of his classmates, after he gave her the two hundred dollars he had promised her.

It was difficult for him to be around beautiful girls ten hours a day, six days a week knowing they all believe his family were trolls living under a bridge somewhere. He always thought of his happiness as an oxymoron like “Military Intelligence” or a Mixed Metaphor such as “The president will put the ship of state on its feet.” Why was his life going in this direction, he wondered? Was it something he did in a past life or was he being tested. He had heard the old saying that, “you can’t have it all.” He figured somebody knew what he or she was talking about.

Antonio spent a lot of time surfing the Internet for porn, which he downloaded and kept in a file under “fun and relaxation”. Whenever he was horny he would display his cornucopia of photos, containing naked girls of all types, in every position masturbating, sucking cocks or being fucked within an inch of their lives. When the photos of the girls wouldn’t do it, he went to a special web site that had thousands of pornographic stories, a few of which would usually harden his cock to the point he could relieve himself.

He had a large collection of x-rated DVDs and sometimes spent a Saturday night jacking off on his front room couch. Somehow he knew that no matter how much Vaseline he used, the feeling would never be like sliding it into an inviting vagina.

He knew what should be done when making love, to the feeling of sliding a warm hand up between a willing female’s legs, touching her soft thighs and finally, when his fingers came in contact with her silk panty crotch. He imagined there was nothing like fingering the crotch of her panties until she moaned and her pussy began to exude droplets of her precious moisture. He knew at that point he would place his finger under his nose and inhale the aroma of her delicious cunt.

As she was now lying back in a state of sexual desire, Antonio would lift her skirt, revealing her matching black stocking, garter belt and silk panties. She wouldn’t move as he slowly pulled her panties down and off her legs. When Antonio would move his head between her legs, licking her silk stockings all the way to her bare pussy mound, she would grab his head and pull him tight into her pussy slit. He would begin to suck on her pussy lips until her moans were drowning out the music on his expensive stereo.

He imagined himself sucking her pussy much like Professor Hannibal Lector described eating the fauve beans in the movie “Silence of the Lambs.” As she rolled her eyes back in her head, Antonio saw himself moving up to her clitoris. This was the final move to get her to capitulate. His tongue would send shock waves through her body like lightening bolts heaved from the heavens by the mythical God Thor himself. After fifteen minutes of sucking her clit and her squirting three or four times, she began to beg him to fuck her.

He removed his shoes and pants, dropping his underpants to the floor. His cock was now full length and very hard. She lifted her legs and pleaded with him to hurry. As he got on top of the couch, he would feel his cock head touch her saturated cunt. His weight moved him forward as his cock traveled up her slippery warm vagina coming to rest at her cervix. Moving very slow now, Antonio would torture the girl with his thick penis. Moving faster and faster fucking her hard, she felt the wonderful feeling of building toward another climax.

Suddenly he felt it too. The feeling was in his balls, his back and the back of his neck. His cum was about to fill the girl’s cunt. He quickened his pace, as her long red fingernails gouged his back and little rivulets of his blood stained the back of his shirt. He could have care less at that point as his cum moved into her vagina much like a strong hurricane crashing into Cuba. His cum was having a hard time reaching her cervix as she had discharged so much juice and it was washing his sperm out of her pussy onto his new three thousand dollar white couch.

They would fuck all night only relaxing to sleep a little and have some expensive wine. When she saw the size of his thick cock, her throat automatically closed up a little getting ready for his assault on her tonsils. As she lowered her mouth toward his penis she knew it was going to stretch her mouth and hopefully not dislodge her jaw. Sucking his cock was a thrill as it had expanded to its full length and thickness. She knew that as long as he took it easy she would be able to make him cum in her mouth.

It wouldn’t take long until the creamy liquid began to spout onto her tongue. With all the expertise of a Broadway hooker, she would drain his cum from his cock and swallow it in a resounding “gulp”. The next morning being Sunday, the girl would be treated to a catered Champagne brunch on his veranda. Three-dozen red roses would adorn the table and their perfume would fill the air.

When she was ready to leave she was informed that a limousine was waiting at the curb, and she could have the use of it for the entire day. Antonio had class, money, style and imagination. He had a lot of imagination, as there was no girl. He was all alone with his porn and dirty movies, jacking off on his couch.

Antonio was rich, intelligent and had everything he ever wanted, except someone with whom to share it and be proud of him for the work he was doing. He went out to the veranda and stood there looking at the view of one of the most beautiful cities in America, wondering if he should just jump.

He woke up the next morning safe and alone in his bed. It was Saturday and he had nothing to do. He took the Newspaper and opened it to see if there was anything going on to take his mind off his problem. Like magic the paper opened to the entertainment section, where Antonio saw hundreds of ads for escorts. That didn’t sound too dirty. These girls looked like nice girls much like the girl next door.

He thought of Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” and wondered if there was a pretty woman for him out there somewhere? He read the girls names. There was, Elizabeth no that was his mother’s name. Erica, but then he thought of the lead on the soap “All My Children” and she was a little old for him. There was Ashley, Giselle, Elle, Linda, Drew, Jennifer and Aki. They all sounded nice but the photos of the girls were astounding. Antonio wrote down the phone number and the girl’s names.

He would go with Linda. She was gorgeous and had had short blonde hair. She was 5’8”, maybe a little tall for him but what the hell. He nervously dialed the number, 212-556-0812. The number rang and a sweet voice answered. He wasn’t going to have the girl come to his apartment until he got to know her. They would meet at Starbuck’s in the village at one o’clock.

Antonio wasn’t happy when he had to give up his credit card number, but told it to the female on the other end anyway. After all the arrangements were made and the service admonished him, stating they did not condone prostitution, he hung up the phone and went in to take a shower. Not wanting to appear as though he had money, he wore a pair of old worn levis, a light summer polo shirt and some running shoes which to this day had never been used for running.

It was now nine in the morning, so he stopped at a favorite restaurant for breakfast. The maitre d’ almost told Antonio to leave, dressed as he was, until Antonio flashed a hundred dollar bill at him, then all barriers seemed to fall and he was escorted to a table.

After a delectable breakfast and a bottle of Dom Pariogne Champagne, Antonio left and caught a cab to the village.

He was there by 12:15. He picked up a cup of coffee and sat in a corner. While he waited he contacted MasterCard on his cell and told them he had misplaced his card. Would they please cancel it and issue him another one. One o’clock came and went. One thirty and Antonio was contemplating leaving when he noticed a thirty-year-old pregnant blonde walk into the coffee house. She was wearing a dirty black mini-skirt; white stockings rolled down to her blue drugstore shoes. A very low cut pink sweater that revealed her “DDD” cup sagging boobs. There was a tattoo on her left tit. It read, “Momma Fucks”.

She looked around and saw him, smiling. She walked over to where he was sitting and said, in a thick New York accent …

“Yo! you’se Tonio?”

“Antonio is my name. Who are you?”

“I’m Linda. You axed to meet me you’s here.”

“No I asked to meet Linda. You are assuredly not Linda.”

“My name is Ethyl, but I can be a Linda if it turns you on.”

Antonio smiled when several jokes flooded his mind regarding Ethyl gasoline, and the Ethyl on “I love Lucy,” came into his head. The fact was the “I love Lucy” Ethyl was much more desirable.

“Why are you here?