Missionary Positions

It had been the most brutal few months of my nineteen year life. The regimented routine, virtually no contact with non-church materials or media, endless pressure to drag people into baptism, and being joined at the hip 24/7 with a companion, some of whom drove me nuts, had not made for a spiritual experience so far. In fact I could have sworn that a Nazi gulag would have been a step up! I was at least still in the United States though far from my home state. The year was 1994.

In my small hometown it seemed everyone was a church member including all my family. Since everyone new everyone there was no separation of church from one’s personal life. Guys my age went on missions, period. To not go meant total social censure and possibly being disowned by one’s family. It would also mean not having any girl to date or marry you since they were all groomed from the cradle to only marry returned missionaries.

This would have been bad enough even if I still believed in the church but deep down, I didn’t anymore. Even before I left I had questioned many things. There was just too much that was illogical, contradictory, clashed with well -established historic and scientific facts, or was frankly stupid. Yet, despite this, here I was spending the prime of my youth trying to get people to swallow this crap.

After a long and particularly horrible day of having countless doors slammed in my face I simply lost it. That evening back at our apartment I just spilled it and told my companion how I actually felt, knowing the consequences could be dire. He was the best companion I’d had to this point which did make it easier to talk with him. To my enormous relief, not to mention amazement he told me he was in the same boat having mentally and emotionally ditched the church too. Now at least we could talk like normal nineteen year old guys in the privacy of our apartment at night. Sex of course became a topic since at our age; we were both in our sexual prime.

The fact was that we both had only the most basic understanding of sexual matters. We had the most vague, elementary, understanding of how babies were made. What real female anatomy looked like or the mechanics of having sex and how to do it were taboo and never taught to us. Aside from “The Talk” that usually lasted about five minutes when you entered middle school, all that was ever said about sex was that it was evil and had to be avoided like the plague before marriage. Thus there could be no more mysterious and fascinating subject.

One hot afternoon of being rejected at every door we had knocked on we rang the bell of a medium sized house. Fully expecting to be kicked off the property we waited for a response. The door swung open and there was a big, tall kind of burly, hairy guy, wearing nothing more than a pair of running shorts and a smile. He must have been in his mid-thirties.

My companion and I were both a bit small framed, somewhat nerdy, smooth for guys our age, and stood staring nervously at the guy like we were encountering Goliath.

“Hi guys! Come on in.” he said in a refreshingly jovial manner while opening the screen for us. Extremely relieved we followed him down a short hallway and into his living room. On entering it our jaws dropped! Had a UFO landed and disgorged a bevy of unicorns and fairies we couldn’t have been more astonished! On a large TV screen ten feet in front of us was a video was playing and it wasn’t the Tabernacle Choir either!

The screen was filled with the image of a guy’s butt. Both his legs were drawn up as he was lying on his side. His dick and balls hung down and his hole was fully exposed with another guy’s finger sliding in and out of it!