Inside Me: C06

Inside Me

—– 6 —

I woke up alone again the next morning. I couldn’t understand how he could leave me without me knowing all the time. Was I that heavy of a sleeper? If I was, Ean could do a lot to me in my sleep and I wouldn’t know. I knew he wouldn’t do anything on purpose though.

In the shower as I washed my body off, I declared that after last night, Ean would never approach me for sex; at least not for several weeks while he tried to put his head around things. It was up to me. And I only had one more night that I could sleep with him before mom came home.

The car ride to school was silent. Montana kept to herself in math class. I think she could see that something not so great happened the last night. She also seemed to be trying to understand the math. She had trouble with the math but it wasn’t from her disinterest; it seemed that she was just slow to taking in new concepts. But she sure did love new concepts. Even if she didn’t understand what the teacher was fully saying in the front of the class, the way she looked, I knew she could understand the potential that knowledge had. She would be a true genius if her brain just clicked things together a bit quicker.

I stood in the lunch line alone that day as I had always done previously. I wished Montana didn’t pack her lunch every day. For the first third of the lunch period, we were separated because of that.

Sitting down at the table in the corner against the wall Montana had found us, I immediately heard her question me about how it went the last night.

“I screwed everything up. He’s so confused about how he feels about me and I just told him to stop it. I basically yelled at him. It’s never going to happen now.”

Montana looked saddened. I always felt that she actually did want to be first with him, in her wildest dreams, but my confessions seemed to have made her forget about herself for a moment.

“You have to do it to him,” she said firmly. “It’s like those older guys that can’t propose to their girlfriends because they’re scared. You have to push him and force him. You know him best and if you think that after what’s done is done, he’ll like it, then do it. Just like he did to you. You were scared so much you said when you were on his bed naked below him but he knew that you would like it in the end. You have to do the same to him. That’s why he said he trusted you.”

I didn’t think Ean really knew that I would like it when he masturbated on me. It was like he forced himself into the zone and did what needed to be done and asked for forgiveness afterwards when he came out. He saw only two outcomes from what he did. I would love him or I would hate him. But to him, either outcome would be a blessing. At least then, he would know where things stood.

Montana was right though. Only two outcomes would come from me forcing sex on him. One bad, one good. I didn’t want to think about the bad one, but at least then, I wouldn’t be stuck in limbo.

“One problem though,” I started. And it was a big problem I had hoped my brother would take care of. But if I was taking charge, then I should have the answer.

“What?”

“When he, if I can get him to, you know, cum inside me, I could get pregnant.”

“Hmmm, I never really took that into account when I fantasized about him.”

“Hey, that’s my brother.”

“You can’t stop me from thinking about him. Also, doesn’t it make it better knowing that your man is sought after by other girls?” She had a valid point. “Make him wear a condom I guess.”

“What if he doesn’t have any? Besides, I don’t want something covering that thing up, I want just that thing inside me and, I, you know, I want to feel the liquid inside me.”

“I love your attitude,” she smiled. I blushed. “You can start taking the pill. Birth control. I take it.”

“Why do you take it?”

“To regulate my period. Ask your mom. Say that you’re getting really annoyed about your period and you want to do something about it.”

“But if I’m going to do this thing, it has to be tonight. My mom’s coming home tomorrow and we can’t sleep together anymore. Also, I just have to get this over with, it’s killing me.”

“When was the last time you had your period?”

“Two weeks ago.” Montana cringed a little as I said that.

“Don’t worry about it. It will just be once and then you get the pill. How many pregnant girls do you see in this school? Lots of them have sex.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

The bell rang ending lunch. I had eaten about half the food I planned on eating. I was at least getting a little better with eating and talking at the same time. I usually never had anybody to talk to during meals at school.

I guessed right when I left the school building at the end of the school day. I would be walking home that day. I wished Montana could at least walk with me. Twenty lonely minutes in thought. Unfortunately, she had to rush to the middle school to pick up her sister and walk home with her. I guess though it was pretty fortunate too. If she walked home with me, she would walk straight into my house and start flirting with Ean. I refused to think about how Ean would react to that.

I arrived home and immediately began my homework. At least it would kill some time. Montana called pretty soon after asking for help on her math homework. I liked that. It took an hour of explaining for her to finish the worksheet I finished in fifteen minutes. After that, our conversation faded off into meaningless rambling.

By the time I hung up and went out for dinner, a plate of food was already alone on the table. Had Ean called me to dinner and I just not heard him or did he just not call? Both were very bad things.