Inside Me: C04

Inside Me

—– 4 —

I was quietly reading my book on the recliner in the living room. Ean was off probably in his room. It was the summer, quiet, lots of free time. Mom was at work. Dad was still in the hospital. He was getting better. That’s all I knew. I was a year over a decade old though. Adults like to lie to children.

My peaceful reading was disturbingly enough interrupted by the phone ringing in the kitchen behind me. By the end of the first ring, Ean was bouncing from his room. Probably expecting a call from a friend. Before the third ring, Ean picked up. With his mumbled words, I was able to reintegrate my mind into the book. Top of the page.

Bottom of the page. I turned it. Ean walked past me and sat on the couch off to the side before me. I looked up to him. He looked a little disturbed but not quite. I never could read his emotions. He sat silently staring toward the floor. He was deep in thought for sure.

“Who was that?” I asked.

“Mom just wanted to call and say that she would be home early,” he replied monotonously.

It seemed boring enough. We were probably going out or something when she got home, that would explain why Ean looked to be just waiting with me. His deep state of thought, that was nothing new. Mom probably said we were going out to eat and gave him the choice of where. He was probably weighing the pros and cons of each restaurant in the city.

My mind faded back to the story before me. Fifteen minutes passed by, maybe half an hour; time is in a quasi state when you’re into a good book. Ean stood up and walked to me.

“Stand up,” he said. I looked up.

“Why?”

“Do you trust me?” That question from his mouth. Those words. Whenever he really wanted me to obey him, he always asked me if I trusted him. He was the smartest person I knew besides dad or mom. He never hurt me. Any jokes he did play on me always left me laughing in the end. I trusted everything to him. He was my only friend.

I put my book onto the side table next to the recliner and stood up. Ean immediately grabbed me and pulled me into his body. He whispered down into my ear.

“Dad died. Just awhile ago. I’ll always protect you.”

He was too serious. He would never lie about something like that. Dad died. No. Why?

My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around Ean. He was so big. So warm. Comfortable. I couldn’t understand a thing that went through his mind. I didn’t know why he did it the way he did, but for some reason, it felt the easiest for me. Just me and him. Standing alone hugging each other. My silent tears in soaking through his t-shirt onto his ribs.

I didn’t want to be alone then and I didn’t want mom. Mom must’ve been crushed. I would be ashamed to cry in front of her. Ean was so strong. He was my best friend. My only friend. I missed dad so much.

The distinct muffed sound of the garage door opening moved through the silent house. I continued crying into Ean’s body. Every time I tried to toughen myself up to face mom, Ean squeezed me a little harder into him. He was pressing my emotions from me.

The door opened from the garage. I meekly turned to face mom’s torn face as she entered. She looked from me to Ean. She looked almost surprised and distraught that I was in his arms, that I was crying, that I knew about dad.

“She’s stronger than you think.” The words reverberated down the bones of my brother into my jaw. Mom almost ran to us and wrapped her arms wide around our bodies.

I never really understood my brother. The more pressure you put on him, the more amazing things he did. I would be scared of his uncanny ability to manipulate any situation he wanted if I wasn’t his little sister. He swore to protect me. He was my big brother. The only thing better than having that knowledge yourself was having a big brother that did. That way I would be free from the burdens I always imagined he suffered from, but I would reap the rewards of his generosity.

I had never seen somebody look so calm in such distressing situations. He held in all emotion while moving and talking to benefit everybody around him. I would say he was incredibly selfless, but my inability to understand why he did what he always did kept me from knowing whether he was enjoying it all. What looked like nobility to me could all just be an interesting game to him. Either way, he was my big brother and I was in love with him.

Three more days had passed and the first week of high school concluded. I had chosen to take up residence next to Montana in math class. Unassigned seats had to be the best part of high school. Montana had personality, at least the kind I liked, but her math skills weren’t all that great. She wasn’t shy about that fact either.

When she suggested that maybe she should come over some time if she needed homework help, I questioned whether or not she was just bluffing confusion in math to sneak peeks at my brother.