Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor Chapter Five

Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor
Chapter Five

Disclamer: Not mine, I own nothing. I’m not making any money
WARNING: Harsh Language, adult themes, sexual situations (i.e. smut), bad spelling and grammar.

Author’s Notes: This story is a broad farce with over the top humor (a good deal of it is crude and sexual) and OOC actions (that’s Out Of Character if you don’t know). Also, this is my first smut-ish fic. If you don’t like sex and sex-based humor, do NOT read this!

Chapter Five Summary: Things get revealed at the reception… along with Harry and Hermione’s relationship.



“Harry, what’s going on?” Hermione implored while tugging on Harry’s arm as he stomped over to the laughing duo of Remus and Tonks. “What did that old witch mean about a menu? And why are those two laughing?”

“Because HE…” Harry hissed and pointed an accusing finger at Lupin, “is a Marauder!”

“He… he…” stammered Hermione while looking between Harry and Remus. “He pranked us?” she asked of Harry. Before he could respond, she turned to Remus and asked, “You pranked us?”

“Guilty as charged,” confessed Remus in-between peals of laughter.

“You… You lousy prat!” Hermione shouted, her face twisted with rage. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

Harry was about to join Hermione in her tirade when he noticed her features soften. Her rage-filled expression transformed into the same look she had at the beginning of every class they shared. The look clearly showed her desire of learning something new.

“How did you do it?” pleaded Hermione.

“By discretely placing Confundus/ Charm/ on the two of you before we sat down,” Remus stated, finally controlling his laughter. Tonks, however, continued to laugh hysterically. In fact, Harry thought that she appeared to be on the edge of soiling herself.

“Oh Merlin that was brilliant!” declared Tonks. “Seeing how much goo Harry had on his face yesterday, you must squirt like a fountain Hermione!”

“Shut it, Tonks!” Hermione ordered and then turned her attention back to Remus. “But a Confundus doesn’t work that way-” Hermione began. Luckily for Harry’s sake, she did not see him silently nod affirmatively to Tonks’ comment. Hermione did in fact, squirt like a fountain.

“That’s why I applied Pilliwickle’s Theory to the charm,” informed Remus.

“That can’t be right, either. Pilliwickle’s Theory only relates to /Memory Charms/…” Hermione began to argue, but trailed off as she suddenly got a look on her face as if she was doing complex long division in her head. After a moment, she announced her understanding with a simple, “Oh, yes, that could work.”

Harry picked up Hermione’s dropped anger, “You still nearly gave us heart attacks!” He was still mad at his former DADA professor for the prank. Harry was also a little mad because he had no idea who Pilliwickle was nor any theory named for him so he felt left out of Hermione and Remus’ discussion which made him a touch bitter. “We thought everyone saw what we saw!”

“It was better than what Tonks had planned for you,” Remus defended himself, and Tonks abruptly stopped her riotous laughter. “She wanted to hook up a magical projector to a Pensieve and show everyone here in attendance just what it was that she saw yesterday morning.”

The two teens gasped at the mental image of a holographic rendition of themselves hovering over the reception party; their naked bodies intertwined for everyone to see. Harry realized that if Tonks had done just that, quite a large contingent of the wedding party would be shocked to say the least. He reckoned that the motherly Mrs. Weasley would faint, Ginny would more than likely sob, and Ron’s face would become red with rage. However, Harry imagined that Fred and George’s reaction would be more along the lines of “Nice form mate,” and “Didn’t you get a crick in you neck doing that?” Both Harry and Hermione turned their attention to Tonks. The eternally pink-haired Auror recoiled at the visible anger in the two teens’ eyes.

Harry and Hermione’s verbal assault on Tonks for her loathsome plan was prematurely aborted when a lanky red-head wizard stepped in Harry’s way and blithely said, “Hi, Harry!”

Ron, after greeting Harry, turned his attention to Hermione. Ron’s face got very red and a hopeful glint shined in his eyes. “Hello there, Hermione,” he greeted in what he assumed to be a seductive manner. Harry thought it would’ve been more seductive if Ron hadn’t stammered and even more so if his voice didn’t hitch and crack slightly.

Behind him, Harry could hear Hermione make a small “eep” noise out of panic. The bespectacled wizard forgot his anger toward Remus and Tonks as he looked at his two best friends. Ron, his best mate, was obviously very happy, for he was literally hopping in place as he looked at the brunette witch. Hermione, however, looked like she was on the verge of a stroke-inducing panic attack.

Harry remembered that Hermione wanted to be the one who told Ron about their newfound relationship, and that she said that she had an intricate plan on exactly what to say and how to tell him. She probably had even gone as far as to draw diagrams in her daily planner. But the look in Hermione’s eyes told Harry that not only did she forget what she had planned to tell Ron, but that she was about four steps beyond nervous, well into terror territory.

Hermione looked between Harry and Ron nervously, once, then twice, but on the third nervous glance, she spotted something in the distance. Harry followed her eyes to a small, furry, purple creature, sitting on a low wall near the house. It took Harry a moment to recognize it as Arnold, Ginny’s pet Pygmy Puff. Hermione tore her eyes away from Arnold to stare at Ron. A very long and silent moment later, Hermione looked back at Arnold and with a hint of panic in her voice, announced, “Oooh, look a tribble!” She then promptly scurried away like a frightened mouse toward Arnold, leaving Harry alone with Ron.

“What’s a tribble?” asked Ron, who looked a little perplexed but was still hopping in place like an idiot.

“It’s a Muggle thing,” Harry answered simply as he saw Hermione pet, in an almost frantic way, the brightly colored creature.

“Whatever. Anyway, you owe me, mate,” Ron declared as he playfully thumped Harry on the shoulder. Although the thump was less “playful” and more “painful”; apparently among many things in his life, Ron didn’t know his own strength.

“Owe you for what?” Harry asked as he rubbed his soon to be bruised shoulder.

“You owe me for interrupting a perfect moment,” began Ron. “When you Owled Hermione the other day asking her for help, I was about to ‘/dodge the second bludger/’, if you know what I mean.” Ron concluded this statement with a saucy wink. At that moment in time, Harry realized that he would be more than content if he never saw Ron give him a “saucy wink” ever again. It was even more disturbing having his best male friend give him a “saucy wink” than it was when McGonagall had given him the “saucy smile.”

“No,” Harry answered trying not to shudder at the inappropriate wink, “I don’t know what you mean. Not in the slightest.”

“You know…” Ron said impishly and made a rather rude hand gesture as if he was cupping a breast, either that or kneading dough — Harry wasn’t too certain.

“Oh,” Harry replied. He was stunned. He and Ron never spoke before about things like fondling boobs, especially Hermione’s boobs. Ron, being Ron and not noticing Harry’s stunned expression, walked over to the table where Tonks and Remus were at and sat down in Hermione’s vacant seat. As Ron picked up the purple pamphlet, he gestured for Harry to sit next to him.

“Beef stew, blood pudding, grilled heron, and spotted dick,” Ron stated clearly to the menu. After four plates with copious amounts of food piled on them appeared in front of Ron, he handed the pamphlet to Harry. “Eat up, Harry.”

Harry looked at the pamphlet once more. Unfortunately all he could see was the same practical joke that Remus had engineered. His eyes involuntarily focused on the phrase: “…/Ms. Granger is inclined to get very wet/ …”

“Ugh, I don’t care much for the heron at all,” Ron said as he pushed one of the plates away from him. “But I heard the trout’s supposed to be pretty good.”

“Oh, I know Harry likes red /snatch/-er, whoops slip of the /tongue,/” Tonks said with far too much emphasis on “/snatch/” and “/tongue/” and still had that damned devilish look in her eyes. “I meant to say ‘red snapper’.”

Harry groaned pitifully at Tonks’ crude behavior and Remus deftly changed subjects before Ron caught on. Of course, knowing Ron, the only way the red-haired wizard would catch on is if Harry explained Tonks’ statement by saying “Tonks caught me eating out your girlfriend.” He tends to be a bit slow you see.

“So Ron, what have you been doing with your holiday?” the not-so-former-Maurarder-because-he’s-still-pranking asked

“There’s not much to say,” Ron responded, “except for me and Hermione getting together.”

“What?” Remus and Tonks blurted in unison. They looked at Harry questioningly. Apparently, they didn’t know that Hermione and Ron had started dating around Dumbledore’s funeral (which, Harry thought unflatteringly, as everyone knows, is a great place to pick up birds). Nor did they know that Hermione soon realized that she and Ron had absolutely nothing in common, whereas she and Harry had a great deal in common. With a simple shrug of his shoulders, Harry tried to tell them this all, and more importantly to Harry, just how perfect and special Hermione made him feel.

“Yeah,” replied Ron to the two so-called adults’ query, oblivious to Harry’s non-verbal interchange with Remus and Tonks. “We were getting to know each other in a ‘/more than friends/’ way, if you know what I mean. But then Harry had to ruin the moment because he needed Hermione for something.”

“Oh,” Tonks said aloud, as if it all made sense to her now. Which of course, judging by the confused look she had on her face, it didn’t.

“Excuse me, everyone,” Charlie announce from the head table, inadvertently putting an end to Ron’s awkward conversation. “It is my privilege as Best Man to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. William Weasley!” The guests all clapped and cheered as Bill and Fleur walked onto the dance floor. “Let’s watch the happy couple as they take their first dance as man and wife!”

Screeching music started to play, although Harry wasn’t able to determine
where it came from. The Bride and Groom began to waltz elegantly around the dance floor.

“I can’t wait to dance with Hermione,” Ron declared while scanning the crowd, trying to find the witch in question.

“Don’t you know you have to dance with Ginny first?” Remus asked, attempting to diffuse the increasingly tense situation.

“Dance with my sister?” Ron retorted scathingly.