First Dick I Sucked

OK so I’m going to share a true part of myself. Ive been writing fiction up to this point, certainly informed my experience, but not a direct retelling. Perhaps its my comfort with my sexuality that allows me to tell this or some inner need for confession and comments that say I’m not a total freak. I don’t know, but I would love to hear what yall think.

The history of my first sexual exploits must be understood in the context of both my abnormal body and the brainwashing I received from friends. I have always been a small girl, but when my chest started to develop it developed much faster and much larger than girls my size and age. When I was 16 I was already wearing a 32e, but it had started years before that. When other girls were wearing training bras, I was already using my mom’s old bras.

Looking back I think it informed my thinking for many different reasons. First, I was being noticed and talked to different by men and boys from very early on. I was keenly aware that my chest got me attention, that men liked to look at my chest, and that it was key to me femininity. Mostly, however, I would say that it made me more aware of sex in general at a very early age.

I remember I was 12 (I remember because I had this stupid key chain that said “happy #12 on it), and I went to a store to buy gum or something. It was a gas station, nothing special and looking back I am not sure how I got there, but I went to the candy isle and was looking around and this older guy came up to me. I’m not sure how old he was, maybe 25, and the whole time he talked to me he was looking at my boobs. I remember I was wearing these green shorts and a white tank top, and even though I was 12 I think I was wearing a c-cup or something, but the point was that I new that he was talking to me, and wanted me sexually because I had boobs. I remember thinking when I went how strange it was that he liked boobs that much. I mean they were normal to me, a bit new, but normal. I remember thinking later that night about how it must be perfectly normal for guys to like boobs and that there was no harm in it. I was keenly aware from my parents and television and everything else that nakedness was “bad” but I couldn’t understand that because everything I experienced was good when it came to the body that I was covering.

That affected every conversation and experience I had with learning about sex. I remember sex education being one of the most confusing classes I ever had. They talked all about sex, telling us the ins and outs, warning us of everything bad, and then saying its something amazing to share with a partner once we were married. That started the confusion… they tried to scare us, but it was great. They explained the different ways to have sex, but used pregnancy to push us away, but it seemed oral sex was ok. Talking with my friends, they made it clear that oral sex had to be the grossest thing ever, but I knew girls did it. But why? To top it off, I actually kinda walked in on my mother giving my dad a blow job (luckily they didn’t see me—dad was laying back on the bed and she was laying over the side of him), and she seemed to really be into it.