Do you dream about little girls?

My mother told me that even before I could say whole words I seemed to be drawn to men. She said it didn’t matter if it was her male boss at work, or the husband of one of her friends or even a stranger we met while out some where I would flirt and reach for any man who showed me any attention.

She would never tell me why but she never had any relationship with my biological father. She wouldn’t tell me who he was or anything about him. So the first several years of my life were spent without any type of father figure.

Really other then my mother I had no other family to think of. I’m not sure why but she didn’t really seem to have much of a relationship with any of her family including her own mom. Because of that and a lack of much of an education she always worked more then one job just to make end’s meat. It wasn’t surprising then that I spent a great deal of time in either day care or with a baby sitter. I have some memory of several different men seeming to come and go in her life that is until I was six years old.

Even our living arrangements changed frequently over the first few years of my life as we moved from one place to another none of which would have ever been considered to be in a good part of town. But shortly after my sixth birthday we moved into a trailer park. It was there that we met Don. Don lived in the trailer next to the one my mother rented as our new home. He apparently had some sort of work related injury and was living on disability so he didn’t have to go to work. Within just a few days of us moving in he stopped by and introduced himself.

You will have to judge for yourself, and make your own decision on what you want to think about my mother but it wasn’t too long after we met Don that he offered to keep an eye on me if my mom needed help and always short on money she quickly took him up on the offer. It was early in the summer that we moved to the trailer park and that was the first year that I didn’t spend the whole summer in day care. In reality you can probably count on two hands the number of days she took me there. Within only a few days of meeting Don he became my babysitter.

I can not tell you what she was really thinking but it felt to me like he gave her, her first freedom from becoming a mother too young. I believe she was just so relieved to have someone willing to watch her kid for free that she never bothered to ask herself why a single man would provide free daycare to a little girl. Some people tell me I should blame her, or hate her for it, but how can you hate your only family.

I had hardly ever had anyone who paid much attention to me so when Don began to talk to me and listen to me I loved the attention and threw myself at him. I can hardly remember my mother ever hugging or kissing me but I still remember the first day he babysat me pulling me onto his lap on his recliner. I think I remember it so much because most of the time Don held me, he held me very tight and firm. Most times I was held, I would have to ask to be put down before he would release me and often he would just tell me “no” and refuse to put me down.

But I didn’t care. I had someone to talk to and who would listen to me and pay attention to me and that is exactly what Don did. So after learning that he decided when I got up in his lap and when I got down I began to accept his will so I would not be alone or at daycare. I am not sure if it is true, but Don will swear it is, he says that the very first time he touched the private place between my legs, that I tensed and looked at him. He says that I stiffened and squirmed for a moment, but like he usually did he says he held me tightly until I stopped struggling. He says he held me firmly and held his hand between my legs and whispered into my ear, “Good girl.” He says I looked at him shyly and then smiled softly and accepted his hand there.

I can tell you that for many years I craved approval and praise and that I always responded to being told, “Good girl.” I can not say I remember the first touch there actually I can not really remember a time when he didn’t touch me there. I can tell you that of all the people I have known in my life Don is a master manipulator. I can not tell you how many times he with only words manipulated my mother into what he wanted. I even have seen him manipulate complete strangers to give into what he wanted. So as a little girl I guess I was an easy target.

I can not tell you the exact date or the exact age I was the first time he did it but I do remember the odd, naughty feeling that would come to me when he would push my panties down. Sometimes he would leave them just a few inches down on my thighs and other times he would pull them completely off but I always remember feeling shy and naughty and embarrassed as he would tug them down. He would just whisper into my ear, “It’s okay, be a good girl.” And I would then feel the warmth of his hand on my bare skin.

The reason I mentioned to you about his ability to manipulate people is because I remember a few times when I would resist and whine about the naughty games we would play, but when I resisted and complained, he would get ice cold towards me. He would ignore me, not talk to me, not listen to me and pretend I wasn’t in the same trailer home.