Caring for my daughter – Part 5 – Cowgirl

A day has passed and Ava has been in a good mood. I have a feeling the pleasant shaving experience has something to do with it. I do feel bad that I got so aroused while shaving her, but looking at her body language, her wetness and aroused clit – there’s hardly any doubt that she enjoyed it. I do feel sorry for her as she can’t masturbate due to the splints on her arms. After all, it’s a basic human need. I feel like I have done the right thing by her.

At the same time I can’t ignore that I got extremely aroused while shaving her. It bothers me. I couldn’t resist touching her pussy. I rested my fingers on her. I even pushed my finger against her opening, entering her. Yes, I entered her just the tiniest bit, just a small part of my fingertip, but still – it hurts me to think about it, to even finish the thought. I really shouldn’t have done this. I’m her father after all. Shaving her, making her cum in the process – I’ve been trying to tell myself I’m doing the right thing, but the truth is that I’m bothered by it. I’m wondering how she feels about it. I, her father, made her cum. That is so wrong. Absolutely not accepted socially. I hope no one will ever find out about this.

And I can’t stop thinking about how this shaving experience must have felt from Ava’s perspective. She was clearly aroused – I saw her wetness, her enlarged clitoris. Is it just a mechanical reflex? What was she thinking about? Was she imagining someone else shaving her, giving her pleasure? Her ex-boyfriend? A crush of hers? Or did she accept that I, her father, was giving her this pleasure?

In my defence – when I realised that she got more and more aroused during the shaving process – I did step in. I stopped shaving the area around her clit and told her the shave was done. But she insisted that I continued. Was it really because of the stubble remaining in that area? Or did she want me to continue because of the sexual pleasure?

I’m so confused. I don’t know what to make of this situation. On one hand I feel like I’m doing the right thing, trying to make Ava happy. But on the other hand this feels so wrong. It feels like for some reason Ava wants me to be sexually close to her. It feels like she wants me to have sexual experiences with her – under the pretence of nudism, of cuddling with her, of shaving her private parts. Is this how she deals with the grief of the loss of her mother? Is the grief clouding her judgement? Are the sexual experiences with me a break and relief from her grief, from her physical pain? After all, her arms and legs have been injured and she is certainly suffering.

I keep wondering if her sexual desires are directed towards me personally or if she chooses me purely because I’m available, because I’m the only person physically close to her while she’s in this bed-ridden, socially isolated state. It seems that her teenage sexual urges are strong, most likely stronger than average and it’s natural that she seeks sexual relief. I know how unpleasant it feels if I don’t orgasm for a long time. The sensation is almost painful and – as bad as it sounds – does need to be taken care of.

I also feel that I’m enabling her. I pushed the tips of my fingers against her opening and her butt hole – utterly unnecessary for the shaving process. I did it purely because I was overcome with lust, with sexual desire for her. I am certainly not an innocent bystander. And Ava is certainly not dumb. She must have noticed that I gently massaged her inner lips with my fingers, that my shaving motions were sensual, massaging her clit. She also must have noticed my thumb pressing against her anus. Oh my! The more I think about it, the more I try to see this from Ava’s perspective, the more I realise that Ava must be aware of my sexual longing for her. That I wasn’t subtle about this at all.

Are we both just pretending? Pretending that nothing sexual is happening? That this is all just part of a normal father-daughter relationship, part of a normal patient-carer relationship? I should stop this right now, but I must admit that I haven’t felt this much sexual excitement in a long time. And I am well aware that I’m overcome with pain and grief because we lost our loved Debbie, my partner, her mom. I am weakened by this loss. I can’t think clearly. It feels like I’m driving further and further down the wrong path but I’m too weak to turn around.

A few more days have passed and Ava’s mood has deteriorated. She’s been cranky for several days now, complaining about pain in her splinted arms and she seems to be in a general low mood, suffering. It pains me so much to see her like this. We’ve tried to sit her or lie her down in different positions but she doesn’t feel any pain relief. I’m at a loss of what to do. Today is the day for Ava’s bed bath. I have removed the bed sheet covering her and she’s lying in front of me, nude, as she had numerous times before. I’m commencing to give Ava her bed-bath, about to wipe her beautifully tanned body with a wet towel, sitting next to her, on the edge of the bed.

As my glance briefly strafes her face I’m noticing a deeply unhappy expression on Ava’s face. “Everything ok, darling? Are your arms in pain again? Is there something I can help you with? ” Ava doesn’t say anything for a moment, then I’m hearing: “Yes dad, my arms are in a lot of pain today.” Ava pauses for a bit. She looks like she’s searching for words: “I really do appreciate all the work you’re doing for me.