A Pee on the Prairie

A fat raindrop plopped against the windshield and woke me from a deep reverie. My mind had been in the stratosphere, but somehow my little Honda was still speeding along between the yellow lines. I glanced over at my sister Maggie, sprawled in the passenger seat, safe. Then I looked at the speedometer, and I shuddered at the speed.

Good God! How long had I been daydreaming? Where were we now? And where had all those scary black clouds come from?

Last I was conscious, the sky had been a perfect dome of pure azure. Not a trace of cloud, not even the little white fluffy kind. I’d found it sort of menacing in its own way, in its utter blankness. Nothing between us and the cosmos.

In fact, I was finding this whole landscape a bit disconcerting. As an East Coast kid, I’d spent my entire life near some sort of shade or shelter. But out here, there were no trees, no hills, no buildings. Just waves of rippling green grass, 360?, an endless plain to the curves of the earth. And that big empty sky. There was nowhere to scurry out here, nowhere to hide. If there was a God, and he wanted to smite me, I’d sure make an easy target.

And now those black, black clouds were piling up on the horizon, crackling with electricity. I heard the deep rumble of thunder, like the Earth’s crust splitting under the clouds’ oppressive weight. Another quick patter of raindrops splattered against the windshield, just three or four of them, a tiny taste of the fury we’d soon face.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly with both hands, and glanced over again at Maggie. She looked so blissful, with her eyes closed, shimmying to the music on her noise-cancelling headphones. Her seat was reclined, all the way back, her bare feet kicked out through the open window. The wind whooshed between her wriggling pink toes. Long strands of blonde hair whipped around her head, like a hydra. She was in her own world.

Even though I’d known Maggie since forever, sometimes (like now) I’d look at her still, and it would still amaze me just how incredibly fucking lovely she actually was. I was proud, but I was also sort of envious. I sometimes felt like, back when we’d been floating together in our amniotic bath, she’d soaked up all the good genes and left me with the crumbs. She was definitely my better half.

She had that aerodynamic nose, those perfect teeth, that adorable faint sprinkle of freckles on her pale cheeks. Briefly, I allowed my eyes to wander down her chest, and I noted the tiny breasts poking up under her t-shirt, little more than a pair of puffy nipples. The bottom of her shirt had scrunched up, exposing her soft white belly and the tight winking slit of her navel. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help glancing down a smidge further, where, visible through her clingy cherry-colored shorts was the plump split mound of her vulva.

Kerrrr-accckkkk! went the thunder. A blinding flash of lightning shredded the sky. I nearly jumped from my seat. Then all at once the entire sky came gushing down on us. It was like the bottom had fallen out of some heavenly lake. My sister squealed and pulled her soaked feet into the car. Hastily, we rolled up our windows. I flicked on the wipers, but they were no match for the deluge. All I could do was turn on the blinkers, pull to the side of the road, and hope for the best.

After a minute, my sister asked, “Are we going to just sit here?”

“I can’t see the road.”

White-hot veins of lightning touched the prairie all around us. The rain beat so hard I thought it might take the paint off the Honda. Massive gusts of wind shook us from side to side.

“Don’t they have tornadoes here?” Maggie wondered.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they do.”

“What if there is one?”

“I dunno,” I said. “Maybe we’ll end up in Oz.”

“Cool,” said Maggie. “I hope they have a bathroom there. Because I really have to pee.”

Which made me aware, oddly, that I had a rather severe case of cottonmouth. “Can I get some of that Mountain Dew?” I asked my sister. “My mouth feels kind of mummified.”

“I drank it,” she said.

“All of it?”

“Yup.”

“Jesus. That was a Super Duper Mega Gulp. How could you possibly drink it all?”

“Through a straw.”

“Yeah, but it was like 900 ounces. How do you even fit that much Mountain Dew into your miniature body? It should be spilling out your ears.”

“I know. That’s why I have to pee so bad.”

“Well, you could use the empty cup.”

“Yeah, I might have to.” She took the cup from the cup holder, as if to consider the logistics. “Actually, there’s a small amount left,” she said, sloshing some liquid around in the bottom of the cup.

“Cool. May I?”

“Nah, I don’t think you want it. It’s probably all melted ice and drool. I was drooling into the straw earlier.”

“Why were you doing that?”

“I dunno. I like to drool.”

I considered it for a moment.

“If you’re really thirsty, you could stick your head out the window,” suggested Maggie.

“Actually, I think I’d rather have the drool,” I said.

“Really?”

I shrugged. “Your drool’s not that gross to me.”

Maggie giggled as I slurped the remains of her Big Gulp through the chewed-up straw, sloshing it around in my arid mouth.

“Is it delicious?” she asked.