A Boy’s Dream, A Brother’s Expectation

Water dripped from the thin strands of Jacob’s dirty blond hair onto the carpet. Some droplets slid down his forehead and over his freckled nose. He didn’t bother to wipe any of them away. Soaked from the downpour that was still pounding the oversaturated earth outside, he had given up on trying to dry himself for the time being. All that he cared about was being close to his older brother. That usually made him feel warm inside. Why his older brother of all people, he couldn’t say. No one stirred him like that. Sometimes when he watched a sex scene in a movie, or read one in a book, that aroused him with burning lust. But in order for that to happen he had to replace the girl with a boy in girl’s clothing. Then there were the incidents that happened on their own without any stimulus from people real or imagined. Like a hardon filling tight jeans while he rode the school bus, for instance. Erections like that were hardly ever wanted. They made him feel awkward and ashamed. Unlike most everyone else, however, he didn’t feel ashamed about his attraction to his brother.

The warmness that he secretly basked in around his brother was more than lust, though. It was a desire to be close to him, to always be with him. And that desire was more emotional than physical. The physical response of the stiffening of his small cock, of the heat that burned his groin—making him weak in his knees and foggy in his mind—were all just symptoms of his greater illness: being in love with his brother. Genuinely in love, beyond the realm of appropriate filial affection. A bodily response to being around his brother could always be explained away just like those other inappropriate erections that popped up so often at his age. Romantic love, on the other hand, being in love, was a whole different story altogether.

The intensity of his emotion made him obsessed. Over time and with the help of multiple fantasies, his incestuous obsession gave way to delusional thinking. He spent lonely nights (the only kind of night he knew) scheming of ways to get his brother to confess his true feelings. Usually, that was before he stroked himself to sleep, lapping the come from between his fingers like a thirsty kitten once he had finished his self-pleasuring. It didn’t bother him to taste himself. He was rather na? on what was accepted sexual behavior and what wasn’t, and was a rather weird kid in general.

The bathroom had been his masturbation refuge until the night his brother pounded on the door and murmured that he could hear him jerking off to his “little faggot fantasies.” It didn’t occur to him to wonder why his brother had been so attentive to his bathroom noises. He had been too frustrated by the interruption to think about it.

Most of his arousing daydreams were comprised of rather innocent situations. A tight embrace, a whispered I love you, a caress of his hard little cock. Basically, any kind of attention from his brother that was beyond the status quo did it for him. Sure, he knew about sex, saw it in films, learned about it in school, but didn’t think too much of it. The actual act, especially between two guys, was so foreign to him that it was a little frightening. He preferred to fantasy about acts that he knew and could trust. Like imagining his brother on top of him with clothes on. Grinding. Though still he had no knowledge of what that was actually like—what it was like to feel someone’s hard cock poking him and rubbing against the tiny curve of his hip. He wasn’t as curious as the average teenager about sex, and didn’t hang around enough people to get exposed to a lot of the things that other kids learned through word-of-mouth. He was a loner and felt comfortable being sheltered.

Jacob hung his head and glanced at the water stains on the carpet, feeling a little shy. He curled his long toes and rolled his right foot on its side while he waited for his brother to see him. His brother was sitting at his desktop computer playing an intense roleplaying game, one that he gladly devoted many hours to. He was oblivious to Jacob’s looming, sopping presence. That is until Jacob’s little body erupted into a spasm of a sneeze.

“What’re you doing?” his brother asked while his eyes remained fixated on the screen.