18Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen: Pass the Salt and the Awkwardness, Please.



Disclaimer: Not mine, I own nothing. I’m not making any money.

WARNING: Harsh Language, adult themes, sexual situations (i.e. smut), bad spelling and grammar.



Author’s Notes: This story is a broad farce with over the top humor (a good deal of it is crude and sexual) and OOC actions (that’s Out Of Character if you don’t know). Also, this is my first smut-ish fic. If you don’t like sex and sex-based humor, do NOT read this!



Chapter Eighteen: “Doctor, Doctor, give me the news…”







After Tonks had left, Harry and Hermione had a very interesting conversation.

“B-but I-I already m-met your f-folks,” Harry pointed out nervously.

“You said ‘hi’ to them from across the room five years ago,” corrected Hermione. “That isn’t what I’d call /’meeting them’/.”

“C-couldn’t we do this a-after we defeat V-Voldemort,” Harry suggested with a stutter. “I-I mean, I’v-ve got so much on my mind as it is; g-go to school , f-find the Horcruxes, f-face Voldemort. P-please, w-w-we’ll meet y-your parents a-after I defeat V-Voldemort!”

At that precise moment, Harry was hoping that he’d lose the final battle with Voldemort. Death was a much more pleasing option to Harry than meeting the parents of the girl he was having sex with.

“Harry, you’re the bravest person I know,” said Hermione. “You face danger constantly. Practically every madman in Britain has tried to kill you. You went toe to toe with a fire-breathing dragon for pity’s sake! How could meeting my parents be worse than that?”

“Because I wasn’t boinking the dragon’s daughter!” Harry pointed out.

“What, do you think I’m going to introduce you like ‘Mum, Dad, this is Harry. We’ve had sex in a broom-cupboard while a group of house-elves mourned outside’ /or ‘This is Harry. I like to swallow his load’/?” Hermione asked.

“Please don’t,” Harry squeaked weakly.

“Don’t worry Harry, my parents won’t know,” Hermione clarified. “It’s not as if I going to wear a sign that states we’ve had sex.”

“But your eyes are green,” Harry retorted. “They’ll want to know why your eyes have changed color.”

“I’ll simply cast a Glamour Charm on them so they look brown again. Besides, even if they did notice them, they’d never suspect how it happened. It’s not like they would ever associate eye-color change with sex.”

Even with Hermione’s reassurance, Harry was still nervous about meeting her mother and father. So, to help bolster his confidence, Hermione took a page out of Luna’s book. Later that night, Harry and Hermione commandeered the fourth year boys’ room – because Ron and Luna were already in Harry’s room shagging like rabbits… again. What followed was a very interesting scene. As Harry lay on his back, Hermione rode him like a pony. She was bouncing up and down which made her boobs jiggle quite nicely. But what was very unusual was that in between thrusts and grunts, Hermione would tell Harry anecdotes about how nice and loving her parents were.

“/Um/… my dad… /oh/… loves model trains… /Merlin, that feels so-o-o-o go-o-ood/… and when… /ah/… I was eight… /wow/… I broke… /yummy/… one of his favorites… /yeah, right there/… he was mad at first and yelled… /uh/… but then he bought me a lolly… /grrr/… to say he was sorry for yelling.”

Harry wasn’t certain that he was feeling more confident about meeting her father or not, but he was becoming convinced that Hermione really enjoyed being on top.

“/Yes-s-s-s/… and my mum… /play with my titties, Harry/… bakes wonderful… /oh fuck/… cookies… /warm and gooey/… all warm and gooey….”

After they had finished, Hermione cuddled with Harry while she continued to praise her parents as they drifted off to sleep.



*



The next day, Hermione left early in the morning to go shopping for a present for Tonks and the baby. She told Harry that her errand would most likely be an all day event and that she would head over to the shower right after shopping therefore she wouldn’t be back until late.

Harry was a little bored without Hermione. He had grown used to her company the past few days – in particular when they were both naked and in each other’s company – and it felt a little odd that she wasn’t there.

Thankfully, Ron and Luna were there to keep Harry company. Luna sat on the couch reading Harry’s ‘special book’ while the two wizards played chess. Every once in a while, Luna would read aloud a segment of the book that she found interesting.

“It says here, there’s a position that causes the witch to sneeze and have spontaneous bouts of accidental magic,” the blonde witch read. “And here’s a ritual that causes plants and other vegetation to grow faster through the act of something the author refers to as /’double-dipping’/.”

“That’s nice,” Ron said dispassionately as he moved one of his pawns right in front of Harry’s bishop. It was clear that Ron was still nervous about having dinner with his new father-in-law. Because of this distraction (or as one might call it; mind-numbing fear), for the first time, Harry was able to beat Ron.

Around four in the afternoon, Luna and Ron left for their dinner date with her father leaving Harry to head down to the kitchens for an early supper. Unfortunately, the one sect of the house-elves were still upset about Harry having sex with Hermione and showed this anger in how they prepared his food. The meal, if one could call it a meal, consisted of festering meat of some kind, a small pile of dirt, and a boiled shoe. Although Harry had to admit that the shoe was very nicely garnished with some rosemary and thyme. It showed that the house-elves were still taking pride in their work.

Given his options, Harry decided to head out to Hogsmede to fetch his supper instead. He walked into The Three Broomsticks, which was under new management seeing that Madam Rosmerta was still in St Mungo’s, and found Hagrid and Professor McGonagall sitting at a nearby table.

“‘ello there, Harry,” the half-giant called out. “Good ter see ya.”

“Come join us, Mr. Potter,” requested McGonagall.

“Thank you,” said Harry as he took an empty seat. After ordering some stew and a butterbeer from the waitress, Harry asked McGonagall, “Weren’t you invited to Tonks’ shower as well, ma’am?”

“Yes, I was,” answered McGonagall. “But to be perfectly honest, those types of gatherings tend to bother me. It’s an excuse for witches to gather together and complain about dirty nappies and stretch marks.”

After the three finished their meal, McGonagall brought up an interesting topic.

“Draco Malfoy woke up earlier today,” the Headmistress stated. “He claims that he was running from Death Eaters. It seems that Mr. Malfoy didn’t have the stomach for it.”

“Are they going to prosecute him for what he did?” Harry asked.

“Not likely,” informed McGonagall.

“What do you mean?” Harry blurted out. “At the very least, he helped the Death Eaters attack Hogwarts and kill Professor Dumbledore.”

“The moment Malfoy woke up he started talking,” McGonagall explained. “He named a dozen previously unknown Death Eaters who were spying in the ministry. He also gave the location of a Hit-Wizard named Ross Stone, who has been missing for almost a year now.”

“If ya ask me he was better left missing,” Hagrid commented after he took a massive gulp of ale. “For what e’s done, e’s an unbelievably arrogant bugger.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say about Stone, Hagrid,” McGonagall chastised the large man before commenting under her breath “Even though it’s true.

“Because of this useful information that Mr. Malfoy supplied,” the Headmistress continued. “I believe that the Ministry is planning on giving Draco leniency.”

Harry, McGonagall, and Hagrid made their way back to the castle as Harry pondered the information on Draco. Even though Draco may have done some good in turning over a few Death Eaters to the Ministry, it still didn’t sit right with Harry. Dumbledore was dead in part to Draco’s actions. In Harry’s mind, Draco should have to do a lot more than turn over some Death Eaters in order to earn forgiveness.

Harry returned to his room and noticed that Hermione, Luna, and Ron had not yet returned. Picking up his /’special book’/, Harry headed up to his room to read up on some new techniques.

An hour or so later, Harry heard Hermione call out from the Common Room.

“Harry, are you in here?” she yelled.

“Yeah, in my room,” Harry called out. He could hear her run up the stairs and he set his ‘special book’ on the bedside table.

Hermione rushed in the room carrying a large paper bag. A huge grin was plastered on her face and her cheeks were a bright red.

“I take it you had a good time?” Harry asked.

“It was brilliant!” Hermione cheered.

“Really?” Harry asked. “I didn’t know a baby shower could be so much fun.” In fact, both Tonks and McGonagall had told him that all that happened at these gatherings were discussions about pregnancy and babies. That didn’t sound like fun to him. Actually, it sounded rather frightening.

“It wasn’t just a baby shower thanks to Courtney!” Hermione said and clutched the bag to her chest happily.

“What did she do?” Harry inquired. Courtney had a wicked streak in her and Harry knew that the Auror-in-training could do some mischievous things.

“Seeing how Remus and Tonks are getting married, Courtney officially declared that it was a bridal shower as well!” Hermione was as happy as a child on Christmas morning.

“What does that mean?” Harry honestly had no idea what happened at a bridal shower. He assumed that since everyone talks about babies and pregnancies at a baby shower that in a bridal shower is full of discussions about weddings. But that didn’t give Hermione a reason to be so happy. Did someone hit her with a Cheering Charm?

“Let me show you!” Hermione dumped the contents of the paper bag onto his bed. As the contents spilled out on his sheets, Hermione called out, “Courtney brought party gifts for everyone!”

As Harry looked at the various objects that were now on his bed, he realized that a baby shower is nothing like a bridal shower. These items would be completely inappropriate to give to an expectant mother or the soon-to-be-born child.

The first thing Harry saw on the pile was four sets of pink fur-lined leather cuffs. A long thin chain was attached to each of these cuffs. Hermione unsuccessfully attempted to force back a giggle when Harry picked up one of the cuffs. The next item looked like a short wand but it had a small ball on the tip. Harry had no idea why Courtney would give Hermione such a strange looking wand. A ping-pong paddle was lying alongside a red ball that was attached to some sort of long leather strap. There were several other devices of various sizes and shapes, but one of the items was easily identifiable; a very large and fluffy quill. When Harry picked up the big and fluffy feather, Hermione sighed happily.

“Um, what are these?” Harry asked.

“They’re toys!” Hermione said exuberantly.

They were unlike any toys Harry had ever seen. He recalled his toys when he was a kid: broken toy soldiers and bent Frisbees; these items were nothing like his toys. Besides, even if they were toys, Harry had no idea what Hermione was so happy about. She was more a book person than a toy person.

Hermione pushed all of the so-called toys except for the cuffs and chains off of the bed.